On June 25, 2012, lawyer Steve Crampton, on the Liberty Counsel’s Faith and Freedom radio broadcast, promoted a debunked study which claimed to prove the inadequacies of same-sex parenting. In conclusion, he said:
“True science always seems to me to reinforce and strengthen what the scripture tells us from the start.”
Mr. Crampton did not speak in vain. A Bible-believing middle schooler heard those words, and took them to heart, and 82-years from now will win a Nobel Prize in Physics for discovering the process by which Jesus endlessly replicated a dead fish. That young man’s name is Martin Browning, and Salty Eggs has obtained — don’t ask how — a copy of the remarks he will deliver at a dinner in his honor, on December 10th, 2094:
“Thank you. Please be seated.
“Well, I’m gobsmacked. I didn’t expect this, not in a million years. Or 7,000 years, rather. You know what I mean.
“I’ll let you get back to your dinners in a second. But before I, do I’d like to take a moment to thank a certain long-deceased lawyer named Steve Crampton. You don’t know him, but he’s the one who first gave me the idea for the Divine Fish Multiplying Machine. back when I was a goony seventh-grader in the Florida backwoods. On the day I heard him, he was on an internet radio program talking about a study that was supposed to prove how homosexuals made bad parents. He said something like: ‘Genuine science will always reinforce and strengthen the scriptures.’ It was an incredible insight, and I realized immediately it was true. True science confirms the scriptures. Of course!
“Now, I realize this doesn’t sound very radical to you, but you’re modern people. I grew up in the Dark Ages. Back in 2012, most people believed the Earth was round. Teachers showed us photographs that these so-called ‘astronauts’ had taken — from ‘space,’ they said — that showed us just floating there, a big old blue ball among the stars. You seen those pictures? Back then, even Bible-believing Christians bought that nonsense. Sure, they claimed to love Jesus, and they loved all the stuff about the Resurrection and the miracles and everything. But try to tell them about Isaiah 40:22? The part that talks about God sitting above the ‘circle of the Earth,’ where he stretches out the sky like a ‘tent’ for people to dwell in? They’d say you were crazy. They didn’t believe the Earth was a circle, and they sure as hell didn’t believe the sky was a tent. They just thought it went on and on. Forever! My goodness, people were dumb.
“But I saw through it. And when the Creation Science Institute launched the first real mission into ‘space,’ and their sad little rocket ran head-on into the firmament, I mourned as hard as anyone. But I wasn’t surprised. I’ll tell you what did surprise me — that even once the whole world knew the sky was a tent and the Earth was flat, they still didn’t believe the Bible. Most of em still believed that ‘evolution’ business. They still believed the universe was billions of years old. And I tried to tell ‘em otherwise. It’s all right here in the book, I said. Nobody paid attention.
“And they didn’t pay attention when those archeologists found the Ark in Damascus. They should have — you don’t usually see a fossilized boat with fossilized dinosaur bones inside it — but people love their ignorance. Thank goodness they love wine almost as much, or they might not have paid attention even when Dr. Kirk Cameron, bless his soul, invented his prayer-powered water-into-wine machine. But oh! That raised them from their stupor. Humanity found religion, and I found funding.
“Now the whole world has fish. And thanks to the efforts of my pupils, doctors Mankiewicz and Olsen, I believe the whole world may soon have loaves, too. And in a way, it’s all thanks to that lawyer, Mr. Steve Crampton, who understood what science was all about even when the greatest so-called “scientific minds” of his era didn’t know a thing. Stephen Hawking? Carl Sagan? Robert Gallo? Forget em. Remember Steve Crampton. That is all. God bless.”