Most every media outlet, blogger, and wisecracking twitterite has already had their say in the case of the Miami Zombie. I’m not even going to bother tossing links around these sentences. You all know the story. Naked dude ate a half-naked dude’s face off on MacArthur Causeway while being shot by police. The cannibal, one Rudy Eugene, was finally killed after five or six shots. The horrifically wounded victim, Ronald Poppo, remains in the hospital.
This has, unsurprisingly, given us all the notice we need that the zombie apocalypse is nigh. But these Danation pieces are not written with zombie-apocalypse coverage in mind. This is, after all, a forum for political discussion, and zombies do not vote – Michele Bachmann supporters excepted, of course.
While it’s not a staple of zombie films, one of the most cliched scenes of most end-of-the-world movies is the president in the war room. There’ll be a few generals in there. Maybe a guy in a short-sleeved, collared shirt paired with a tie, who chain smokes and says things like, “We’re running out of time!” And sitting amid the panic and chaos is a calm, cool president who makes the tough choices. Guys like Morgan Freeman and Bill Pullman have sat in that chair. And that got me to thinking – which politician would we want in charge in case of zombie apocalypse?
Below are my top 5:
5. Rep. Paul Ryan
Look closely into those eyes. Very closely. Note the dull, vacant look. There’s a reason the great Charlie Pierce of Esquire magazine regularly refers to Paul Ryan as a “zombie-eyed granny starver.” As a confirmed zombie, President Ryan would be able to discuss the issues directly with the oncoming zombie horde. And these folks are low-information voters, just the kind of people that buy into Ryan’s plans for eviscerating Social Security and Medicare. In no time at all, President Ryan will have convinced the zombies that the best thing for them to do, both morally and economically, is to eat their own brains rather than rely on the consumption of the brains of other people. Problem solved.
4. CIA Director David Petraeus
Not much has been written about retired four-star general and current CIA Director Petraeus since the man left the military and entered the shadowy world of Langley, Va. But if this nation needed someone to pull together a rag-tag band of survivors into an anti-zombie insurgency, it’d be the general. With the CIA experience under his belt, I’ve gotta assume he’s even more adept at counterinsurgency tactics than ever, and he did, after all, write the book on counterinsurgency. So if we’re looking for the Independence Day-style, Bill Pullman president, it’s gotta be the general.
3. Rep. Allen West
I’m not just saying this because Rep. West’s satirical doppelganger is a Salty Eggs contributor. Look, if it comes to the point that civilization is already collapsing and we just need to get out there and put all of our weapons on the “overkill” setting, why not have the sort of Strangelovian loon in the White House who will do just that? “What’s that? You say zombies have overrun most of Miami? Nuke it.” “Oh, the zombies have made their way through the Everglades to Orlando? Nuke it.” “So, the zombies have essentially taken over all of Florida? Nuke it.” Hey, he’d kill a few million people in the process, but he’d get the job done. And if there’s one thing we know from Rep. West’s military career, it’s that he’s willing to break a few eggs to have his omelet.
2. Rick Grimes
On the plus side, Rick Grimes has kept a band of survivors (mostly) intact in a post-apocalyptic zombified world. On the down side, he’s fictional.
1. President Barack Obama
Overall, if we’re gonna have the zombie apocalypse now, I’m pretty happy with the guy who’s already sitting in the Oval Office. If you piss off Obama, he will have you waxed. Just ask Bin Laden. Or even Americans who have the singular misfortune to be placed upon the president’s kill list. Oh, that’s right. You can’t, because they’re dead. If you want that calm, cool guy sitting in the war room trying to prevent the complete collapse of civilization as we know it, you could do a lot worse than have it be our current Commander in Chief. So chill, America. Obama’s got this.