Dear Allen: In Which Our Distinguished Congressman Fields Your Questions

Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

A few days after President Obama said sorry to the people of Afghanistan for the murderous rampage of an American soldier, who killed 16 civilians including unarmed women and children, you chastised Obama for apologizing. What the hell should he have done instead?

T Bentson
West Palm Beach

Dear Mr. Bentson,

Obama should have asked himself, “What would Rummy do?” Donald Rumsfeld would never let one small incident like this get in the way of the big picture, which is bringing freedom to the people of Afghanistan, one glorious drone attack at a time. Of course, Rummy’s first move would be to cover up the incident. If that doesn’t work, well, who’s to say that these civilians weren’t Taliban fighters in drag, or members of a child terrorist cell? Or that this soldier was in fact a Taliban who had infiltrated our military to embarrass us? Rummy had a terrific imagination! The point is: To admit mistakes is a sign of weakness. It puts America on a slippery slope from its God-given rightful place as the world’s moral high ground.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I read an article this week about how you played a video game that simulated the dangers of texting while driving. I commend you for bringing attention to this irresponsible behavior, and I hope that you will continue to use your celebrity to illustrate the importance of being safe. For example, perhaps you would be willing to base jump from a Miami skyscraper as a way to warn Floridians not to follow the example of these daredevils. I fear children in South Florida don’t fully comprehend the dangers posed by alligators, so if you were to wrestle one, that would be a memorable lesson, especially if you were mortally wounded in doing so.

A Gracen
Orlando

Dear Mr. Gracen,

I am not an idiot. You are trying to trick me into engaging in a high-risk behavior that will make it impossible for me to represent the people of the 22nd — or whatever — Congressional District. Well, here’s a career-threatening behavior: a decorated lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army torturing an Iraqi policeman and being forced to leave the military. Yet this incident made me a hero, catapulting me toward my current place in Congress. Since going to Washington, I’ve made the most offensive, incendiary remarks about Obama and his fellow Democrats. I’ve taunted Muslims and women’s rights groups. It’s only enhanced my popularity as a guest for Fox News talk shows and conservative radio programs. So I don’t need to base jump or wrestle an alligator to prove my courage. I just have to open my mouth.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com[email protected]