Dear Allen: In Which Our Distinguished Congressman Fields Your Questions

Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Vice President Joe Biden is visiting Florida today, and I’m going to protest his speech. Obviously. But I have righter’s block. I’m sitting here with a piece of cardboard and a set of markers. I just can’t figure out what hysterical, grammatically mangled message I want. Inspire me?

A Stevens
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Mr. Stevens,

It looks like brave Sir Gaffe-a-Lot will be whining about Republicans’ intention to “end Medicare.” Of course, this is a complete exaggerration. Our party will be reforming Medicare, much like we reformed the landscapes of Hiroshima and Nagasaki near the end of World War II. So “We Don’t Want You’re Socalized Medicine” would make a nice, issue-specific sign. Or you might want to go with a pun that reminds foks of the 2012 election. “Regime change? We are Biden are time.” Gods peed, patriot.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I thought you were a right-wing gun nut. And so I’m flabbergasted to see you actually side with protesters who believe there was a miscarriage of justice in the Trayvon Martin case. Are you feeling OK? You know that by calling for the arrest of shooter George Zimmerman, you’re basically saying you oppose Florida’s “stand your ground” law, right? A law that was lobbied for by the NRA, a group you support.

F Turner
Coconut Creek

Dear Ms. Turner,

You are distorting my statement. My point in speaking out was to remind people that this incident is not about race. This is merely a case of a neighborhood watchman following an unarmed black teenager who “looks real suspicious” and shooting him dead. OK, I guess that doesn’t sound very good. But listen, let’s think about the big picture. If we let everyone get all exercised about race, then that’s going to play into Democrats’ hands before an historic election. As one of just two African-American Republicans in Congress, I’m one of the few members of the party who can deny race is a factor without being called a racist by every commentator and blogger on the planet. So every now and then, I take one for the team. That’s what good soldiers do.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

You recently said that anyone who questions your support of the House Republican budget plan is on “a suicide mission.” Who talks like that? Are you a pro wrestler?

S Davis
Wellington

Dear Ms. Davis,

Thank you. I work out, but no I’m not a professional wrestler. Although I do think that Congress would be more efficient if we scrapped pansy things like filibusters and just brought in a giant steel cage. Anyway, my point is that Congressman Paul Ryan’s budget plan puts America on a path toward financial solvency and enhances our national security. It’s so clearly the righteous path, that any act of defiance against it should be treated like terrorism. Terrorists go on suicide missions, which is why I used that term. But if you force me to explain it like this, it takes all the fun out of subliminal messaging.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

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