Our dear Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

You ungrateful bastard.

T Pardy
Coral Springs

Dear Mr. Pardy,

I assume you’re referring to my recent remarks about how maybe raising taxes might be a good idea after all. Yes, I got elected on a fiercely anti-tax tea party platform, but here’s the thing: Taxes pay for lots of stuff loved by true Americans. It’s how we pay for bombs and Guontomo Bay. Without taxes, we wouldn’t be able to use federal agencies to target people who sell marijuana, nor the courts to prosecute those hippies, nor the prisons to lock them away. As I said, I was in Afghanistan when I signed Norquist’s anti-tax pledge. It’s understood that when you’re away from home the rules don’t apply. It’s like the duty-free shops in airports. You can cheat on your diet, cheat on your spouse, and cheat on a contract. I feel no obligation to honor the U.S. signature at the Geneva Conventions – it was in Geneva! Which is in Europe! That totally doesn’t count.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

Uh oh. You’ve called early voting an “entitlement.” I watch enough Fox News to know that that’s code for “thing that all conservatives should oppose.” Early voting leads to more voting – that’s a fact. So what kind of American opposes more voting? I guess I can answer my own question: Only the most cynical, desperate, insecure politicians, the kind who have reason to dread an electoral process in which informed citizens render judgment on the performance of their representative in government. Guess what? I’m going to the polls, and whomever’s running against you – whether that be a Democrat, an independent or goddamned meatball hoagie – that person (or sandwich) is going to get my vote.

S Merchent
Pompano Beach

Dear Ms. Merchent,

You’re making me hungry! I’ve just sent a congressional page on a quest for the best meatball hoagie in the Beltway. Anyway, early voting really does pose a danger of becoming an entitlement, and we’ve learned how quickly entitlements create a cycle of dependence. Take the other new entitlement: Obamacare. If we have universal health-care, all of a sudden people are going to depend on getting an early diagnosis of diseases. This sounds dangerously European. Procrastination is a sacred American tradition. We don’t drive to the walk-in clinic; we let an ambulance take us to the ER after our clogged arteries made us do a faceplant through a glass coffee table. Now that’s excitement! In the same fashion, we shouldn’t get in the habit of early voting, Doing so deprives a working American of the thrill of trying to make it to the polls between the end of his day job and the beginning of his night job. Besides, most of my supporters are on disability or retired, so one day to vote is all they need. Let the Democrats worry about how to get working slobs to the polls. If that makes me “cynical,” so be it. They said the same thing about Richard Nixon and Karl Rove. Guess what? Cynics win.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com, or Tweet @DearAllenWest

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

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