Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Being a rich white man who runs a corporation that enjoys a steady stream of government subsidies, I greatly appreciate your recent remarks about how the American welfare state is an “insidious” form of modern slavery. Of course, it feels a little awkward when I say the same thing — some liberal smartass once told me that the federal government spends almost twice as much on corporate subsidies as social welfare. Balderdash, I’m sure. Now thanks to you, I can declare that “some of my best friends are black.” It’s an argument-clincher. Keep it up and I’ll keep making generous donations to your campaign!

C Elliott Oppenheimer, IV
Palm Beach

Dear Mr. Owen,

Great to see you here, you old so-and-so! I hardly recognize you when you’re not in a sand trap! If you ever straighten out that slice you’ll have one hell of a long game! Thanks for your note, and I look forward to another 4th of July sipping your wife’s sangria.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen,

I have recently been honorably discharged from the U.S. Army after 12 years of service. But as a servant of my country, I want to continue demonstrating my allegiance to her. Can you tell me how you as a former military officer have made this adjustment?

Pfc. (ret.) Z. Garrison
Boynton Beach

Dear Mr. Garrison,

Thank you for your service. I have indeed grappled with this issue. I would suggest that you incorporate my patriotic habits into your own daily routine. Before going No. 1, I advise you to salute the commode. Prior to No. 2, I say the Pledge of Allegiance. The sight of the American flag warrants a double-salute — that’s both hands, soldier! — even if it means spilling your coffee or burning your forehead with a lit cigar. During sex with your wife, play only patriotic hymns. Personally, I open with “America the Beautiful,” then I gather momentum during the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” and the “Star Spangled Banner.” When you hear the words, “…and the home of the brave!” that’s your cue to finish up. Time it just right, and you’ll earn a standing ovation.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen, 

As a lifelong registered Democrat and lifelong resident of Martin County, I am horrified at the prospect of being represented in Congress by a right-wing nutjob such as yourself. Last I heard you lived in Plantation — that’s two counties away and a 90-minute drive from Stuart, where I live. What the hell do you know about Martin County that qualifies you to serve its citizens?

E Henderson
Stuart

Dear Ms. Henderson,

I would ask that you address me with a more lady-like tone. In any case, when I win election and become your representative in Congress, I will most definitely not be representing your interests — at least not until you come to your senses and change your party affiliation. As for my knowledge of Martin County, I know that it’s in America, and I have long admired the structural soundness of the roofs and the elegance of the street grid from my airplane window, while flying back and forth from Washington, D.C., to Broward County.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com 

Battle Hymn of the Republic, Broward County, D.C., Dear Allen, Martin County, military, Plantation, salute, sangria, Star Spangled Banner, Stuart, Washington