Dear Allen: Dreaming of a Deathmatch With Vlad

Our dear Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Why won’t you endorse Mitt Romney for president? You told Newsmax you don’t do endorsements, but you endorsed Joe the Plumber in Ohio.

B Sanzenbacher
Jupiter

Dear Ms. Sanzenbacher,

I want the Republican nominee for president to kneel before me and ask what he can do to earn my full-throated support. I have a long wishlist, and some of my requests may be hard to swallow. But running for president takes testicular fortitude. Until Mitt shows it to me, my lips will be sealed.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

While stumping for Obama, former President Bill Clinton made reference to your remarks that there are communists in the Progressive Caucus. He says that no one has seen a communist in a decade. Is he looking in the wrong places?

T Grieve
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Mr. Grieve,

If Slick Willie wants to see a communist, he need only look in the mirror – or roll over in bed. Assuming he still shares one with Hillary. The former president isn’t really campaigning for Obama. He just wants an excuse to remind us that we had budget surpluses and no foreign wars during his time in office. If you want to go back to those days, I’ve got a dial-up modem and a Backstreet Boys CD you can have. I would tell Bill Clinton to go suck it, but he’d probably have an intern do it.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

Who would win in a fight between you and Vladimir Putin?

C Morris
Delray Beach

Dear Mr. Morris,

As you may know, Prime Minister Putin is former KGB. He is also a judo master. Of course, Putin would challenge me to fight in his Russian homeland, but I would accept that challenge, which would lead to an epic training montage, like this one from Rocky IV. I would insist on a steel cage and stipulate that we battle to the death, like Spartans. In the beginning, I would let Putin connect on a few judo chops and kicks. It will appear to him and to the crowd of Ruskies that I’m going to be overwhelmed. But when Putin pauses to deliver the coup de grace, I will pounce! With my massive soldier’s physique I will lift Putin and toss him across the ring like a rag doll. I will then pummel him about the face, neck, and upper extremities. Locking the dictator in a death grip, the crowd howling with rage, I will demand that Putin withdraw his support from the corrupt Syrian regime. The rebels of Syria will be watching the deathmatch from their bunkers on grainy televisions, a hush falling over them as they wait to hear Putin’s answer. Blood streaming from his defeated face, he will say … whatever is the opposite of “nyet.” The rebels will cheer. Even the Russians will be impressed, moved by my show of mercy. They will call me “The Righteous Brute,” which probably sounds really cool in their crazy language. Grabbing the mic from the ringside announcer, I will tell the Syrian rebels to stop being Muslim, out of gratitude to their liberator, and they will commence tearing Korans. This is all pretty clear, but after my rousing victory in the steel cage deathmatch, it becomes pretty hard to predict exactly what the political consquences would be. You’re welcome to use your imagination.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet him at @DearAllenWest.