Dear Allen: Elections Are Not a Popularity Contest

Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

The Investigative Project on Terrorism is reporting that former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made an appearance at a May fundraiser attended by members of Islamic groups that have been sympathetic to Hamas, the Muslim Brotherhood, and other Islamic groups linked to terrorism. The Islamists’ objective: To raise money to defeat you and two other Republican members of Congress. This is treason, or something. If you need an elite-trained paramilitary force that you can trust, then my husband and I would be glad to volunteer, provided you give us a week’s notice so I can find someone to take my shift. (I work at Dairy Queen, in case you’re ever in Lake City and needing a free Blizzard.)

G Cooper
Lake City

Dear Ms. Cooper,

Thank you for bringing this report to my attention; my staff is already on top of it. Pelosi has had her granny panties in a bunch ever since I said I’d snatch the gavel out of her hand. If she’s a Muslim terrorist then I wish she would wear a burka that covers her face, which is old — not a good look for women. Pelosi ought to take some tips from my good friend Pamela Geller. Now there is a woman who has aged like a fine scotch, a natural beauty needing nary a hand from a plastic surgeon. Meanwhile, the next time Pelosi shows up for botox injections, she will be greeted by undercover operatives who put her in a hood, then fly her to Jordan for some enhanced interrogation. That may include waterboarding and a mock execution, if the mood strikes me. It may take some time to get answers, which is why the Republican Party has a half-dozen Pelosi body doubles, currently living in a foreclosed McMansion in my district, studying her hysterical press conferences and shrill voice, ready to spring into action the moment they’re needed.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I read an article in the Washington Post about how you and Alan Grayson are — and I’m paraphrasing here — everything that is hideous and toxic about the modern era of American political discourse. You told the Post, “I’m not here for a popularity contest.” This may come as a shock, but elections in America are decided by popular vote. That’s pretty much the definition of a popularity contest. Maybe this is why you’re going to lose on Tuesday?

M Langston
Port St. Lucie

Dear Mr. Langston,

Let me give you a free lesson in American politics: The American people do whatever their televisions tell them to do. I raised $15 million for this race, which is some kind of record. That buys me a whole shitload of television time — roughly five times more than Patrick Murphy’s paltry $3 million. Boom. Americans love celebrities; I’m a celebrity. Who the fuck is Patrick Murphy? I have taken shits bigger than Patrick Murphy.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is getting flak on the right for not being more critical of Obama’s response to Hurricane Sandy, which appears to be hurting Mitt Romney’s chances in Tuesday’s election. But do you really think this is the time to play politics?

T Perryman
Delray Beach

Dear Mr. Perryman,

What happened this past week is an unspeakable tragedy, and it is important to keep a clear perspective on what matters most: that Chris Christie is back-stabbing tub of lard. Apparently, all it takes is one measly megastorm to turn Christie into a big government liberal. “Boo hoo, the Jersey Shore is underwater, Mr. President!” Sack up, Christie. This is no time to talk about unity — we have an election to win. Listen here, you mouth-breathing greaseball: If Obama calls, send him to voicemail, and then tell the people of New Jersey that they’ve been abandoned by the federal government. If you don’t sound like Mayor Ray Nagin did during Hurricane Katrina, then you’re not trying hard enough.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet @DearAllenWest.