Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I can’t wait to hear what you have to say about the letter that surfaced last week in Jose Lambiet’s column. This is a letter you apparently wrote to your wife while you were serving in the Army. This is the one where you asked her “Are committed to being my porn star?” But wait, the popcorn isn’t ready yet. OK… it’s ready. Go!

G Parker
Port St. Lucie

Dear Mr. Parker,

Actually, Glenn. Can I call you Glenn? Sit down, Glenn. I’d like to tell you about the things that happen when a man goes off to war. And I’m talking here about a real man. Go to the mirror, Glenn. See that? That’s not a man. I am a man. When a man goes off to war, he knows he may not come back. The survival instinct born into him, by nature and by the grace of God but not necessarily in that order, leads him to steel his will by imagining a woman who tho’ harassed by suitors is keeping her legs closed, waiting dutifully for his return. Odysseus had Penelope. Anyway, Glenn, this is what women do in times of war: They wait. But as a tribute to the courage of her soldier, a woman must make two seemingly contradictory fantasies real. On one hand, she must be chaste, feeling no lust for another man, especially a non-warrior. On the other hand, she must be a wanton sexpot as pertains to her man.

At the time I wrote the letter, I had no doubt that my wife lacked attraction to another man, but I wanted to make sure that she was prepared to honor her other obligation to me, so I simply asked, “Are you committed to being my porn star?” In other words, are you willing to completely degrade yourself so that I may be satisfied? This is a rhetorical question, Glenn, if that’s not clear. In prior correspondence, my wife had mentioned in passing that the men who appeared in the film Soul Food might be considered sexually appealing by women whose lust was not completely monopolized by their husband. I acknowledged that those men, because they were free from the rigors of a battlefield, had occasion to perform more regular exercise than myself. But in the same note you will see that I ordered my wife to only wear a one-piece swimsuit in the future, which was a very subtle way of saying that, hey girl, you know, your body ain’t perfect, either. In short, Glenn, I’m not remotely embarrassed by the publication of the letter. In fact, the only thing it reveals is that I am a master in the subtleties of human courtship.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

Oh, boy. My sincere condolences for the letter. You have my sympathy. Last month my wife found the computer file of videos that I send to my 19-year-old online mistress in Ukraine. Mostly, it’s videos of me saying romantic stuff to Nadja, then masturbating. At my surprise birthday party, my wife said she was going to show our friends footage from our trip to Utah, but she played one of my secret sex videos instead, pretending it was an accident. Anyway, now she’s moved out and I’d rather win her back then have to wire another $50,000 to Nadja, who is trying to get divorced from a Russian oligarch. I’m curious how you got out of this jam with your wife. Maybe what worked for you can work for me?

R Ceekor
Boca Raton

Dear Mr. Ceekor,

You need to decide how much you love your woman. Do you love her so much that you would devote your life to making sure that she never sleeps with another man? Do you know that this will require you to spy on her, to diminish her self-esteem in a million subtle ways until she is desperately grateful for your love and dubious about the idea of any other man feeling genuine emotion for her? These are the dark arts of romantic pursuit. It is also the hard work that forms the foundation of a stable union between husband and wife. Dig deep, Mr. Ceekor. If need be sell your car, even your house. You simply must find 50-grand to help poor Nadja.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at [email protected] or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

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