Dear Allen, in Which Our Distinguished Congressman Fields Your Questions

Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

You’re a real piece of work. You bought yourself a Hummer H3 and now you’re complaining that it cost $70 to fill up your tank? And that’s Obama’s fault? Why don’t you save us all some time and just make a complete list of bummers we can blame on the president.

B Simperton
Delray Beach

Dear Mr. Simperton,

That would take too long. Most of the problems in the modern world are directly attributable to the Obama presidency. I can’t speak firsthand to the atrocities he’s committed against the Wall Street executives, but I’d be happy to tell you how he’s ruined my morning. Because I was up late last night stewing about Obamacare, I forgot to set my alarm. Having overslept, I flipped on the radio and became captivated by a glorious diatribe against Obama by Michael Savage — so much so that I burned my toast. Finally, I was just about to leave the house when I realized I had forgotten to feed the terrorists I keep chained in my basement because I don’t trust Obama’s lackeys to operate Guantanamo Bay. The stress is liable to give me a heart attack, an affliction that has killed thousands of Americans since Obama took office.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen,

If I was a cupcake, how would you eat me?

P Donnegan
Lantana

Dear Ms. Donnegan,

When I receive baked goods from constituents such as yourself, I do my best to share them with my congressional staff, in case those baked goods have been poisoned or laced with laxatives. Assuming that you cooked this cupcake in good faith, I would begin by nibbling the cupcake stump, working my way slowly, resolutely toward the sugary summit. By the time I got to the frosting, my tongue would… Wait a second. The return address indicates your first name is Pat. That’s short for Patricia, right? If this is Patrick Donnegan, I would like to change my answer.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen,

I’m a true conservative patriot like yourself and I have a meeting with a Hollywood studio next week, where I’ll be pitching a movie based on your heroic, improbable journey from the deserts of Iraq to the Washington Beltway. They will want to know what actor I will cast to play your role. Who do you recommend?

G Vincent
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Mr. Vincent,

Stand down. That movie is already being made. I’m pleased to report that Denzel Washington has signed on to play yours truly in the film treatment of my life. He’s doing so at a considerable discount because he has been so inspired by my story and by the snipers we hired to ensure he makes it safely to the set. It’ll be released late this year, in time for Academy Award consideration. I’ve already booked this Hummer for the ceremony.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com