Dear Allen: In Which the Fla. Congressman Talks Dog Catcher, ‘Tooth Fairy 3,’ and Islam

Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Broward County Republican turned RNC Co-Chair Sharon Day is leading an effort to recruit African Americans to the GOP, telling CNN, “I don’t care if they are a mosquito sprayer or a dog catcher in Arizona, or Jennifer Carroll or Allen West. We have black conservative leaders who stand for their principles.” Are you the mosquito sprayer or the dog catcher?

C Quinones
Miramar

Dear Mr. Quinones,

I am both. My rhetorical spray eradicates the liberal mosquitos that buzz around Capitol Hill. I catch the dirty Democratic dogs who infest this country like communist fleas. I clean the sewers, ridding this great nation of the waste that clogs the pipes of the Republic. I am the librarian, checking out who’s reading books (terrorists) and who’s watching Fox News (patriots). I am Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the muthafuckin’ Tooth Fairy. Seriously, I’m the star of Tooth Fairy 3. (Edit: The Rock and Larry the Cable Guy have both reportedly passed on the role.) Look for it in Fall 2013!

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

After members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus took offense to your calling them communists, you wrote an op-ed in The Hill, asking them “What part of their agenda are they trying to hide?” Among their offenses, you listed “mandates… which threaten our constitutional right to practice religion however we see fit.” But you’re the one who has openly supported people like Dutch politician Geert Wilders and right wing blogger / activist Pamela Geller, who both want to deprive Muslims of practicing their religion in non-Muslim countries. So are you in favor of religious freedom or against it?

S Ford
Port St. Lucie

Dear Ms. Ford,

Islam isn’t a religion. It’s an ideology. Next question.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

You recently said that by editing the FBI handbook to remove language that’s offensive to Muslims, Americans were committing “cultural suicide.” What national security purpose does it serve to offend Muslims? And what does that have to do with our culture?

E Wells
Plantation

Dear Ms. Wells,

Because ethnic slurs dehumanize our enemies. I mean, duh? Do you really want our U.S. soldiers to know that the man crouching behind the sand dune is named Hodja, that he was studying agriculture at a university until it was struck by a cruise missile, and that he has a sister who was killed in another bombing, plus a mother who’s dying of untreated lymphoma? Bottom line: He’s non-American who must be killed before he kills an American. A battlefield is no place for political correctness, and every square inch of the world is a battlefield.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com