Dear Allen: In Which the Fla. Congressman Talks White House Correspondents Dinner and Kanye West

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Since we haven’t received a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen,

As a long-time admirer of yours, I was surprised and a little disappointed that you attended the White House Press Correspondents Dinner last weekend. Jimmy Kimmel, who is one of those Hollywood liberals, made some crack about how you’re as big a buffoon as Kanye West. Why would you open yourself up to such a vicious personal attack?

B Parker
Wellington

Dear Ms. Parker,

I appreciate your concern for my welfare, but I have survived far more vicious personal attacks during my time in Iraq and Afghanistan, fighting for the freedoms that Jimmy Kimmel takes for granted – such as his right to crack wise about American heroes. I should take this moment to clarify that I most definitely am not related to Kanye West. Aside from our mutual admiration for wealth, our habit for making outlandish public statements, and our congenital craving for attention, we have nothing in common.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (Ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen,

You ripped Barack Obama and others at the White House Correspondents Dinner for “living it up” while America suffered. You were at the fucking White House Correspondents Dinner. Do you have no sense of your own hypocrisy?

D Madsen
West Palm Beach

Dear Ms. Madsen

Sometimes, in service to this great Republic, an American must throw caution aside and accept a mission that takes him behind enemy lines. So, yes, I went to the Washington Hilton for that swanky event, but I did not enjoy either the lamb I devoured, or the grouper I ate after that, or the crème brûlée that followed. (To not eat would have made me conspicuous.) I was told the champagne was particularly expensive, and so I took pleasure in draining three bottles of the stuff, which my soldier’s body eventually transformed into urine, which I duly delivered to the Hilton men’s room. The limousine liberal who will pay for my gluttonous appetite will have that much less money to give to the Obama campaign.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (Ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen,

I’m a student of evolutionary biology, and I’m starting to think my field of research overlaps with politics. I see that you’ve endorsed Joe the Plumber’s congressional campaign. Joe the Plumber is an idiot. Sarah Palin endorsed you for vice president. She is also an idiot. And Sen. John McCain thought it would be a good idea to pick Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate, which can only mean that he, too, is an idiot. Finally, all of you owe your success to a vast group of idiots, which calls itself the Tea Party. So my question is whether you realize you are part of a cultural food chain that is nourished by ignorance at the bottom and cynicism at the top.

T Tyler
Miami

Dear Mr. Tyler,

Did you send in your letter as a text message? Because it looks like the auto-correct function is changing the word “patriot” into “idiot.” I also don’t understand what you mean about the “ignorance” of Tea Party Republicans. I haven’t met a single one who doesn’t keep a diet of Fox News and talk radio, which are the only media sources not controlled by liberal elites. So these folks are incredibly well-informed.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (Ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com.