Dear Allen: Hurricane Isaac, I Will See You in Hell

Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I’m driving from Maine to Tampa, and I wanted nothing more than to meet you on the floor of the Republican National Convention so I could shake your hand and congratulate you on being America’s Greatest Hero. “Black Rambo” we call you in my house. But I don’t see you on the list of speakers, and I’m worried that you’re not going to attend.

C Crosby
Portland ME

Dear Mr. Crosby,

If you’re going to give me a nickname, maybe trim it down to just Rambo. If you’d be interested in giving it a biblical flavor, please consider Moses. He parted the Red Sea so that his people could have safe passage, whereas I have spent the last four days standing on Clearwater Beach, stance wide, arms akimbo, sans shirt, my steely gaze fixed on the horizon lest Hurricane Isaac be tempted to come ashore to mess with my people: Republicans. So no, I have no plans to give a formal speech at the national convention. Although I do reserve the right to interrupt the event if the Lord sees fit to send me a message in a bottle, on a stone tablet, or via burning bush. His prophet will not be silenced.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I’m a swing voter who believes in limited government, which is what makes me want to cast a ballot for Romney-Ryan. But I’m repelled by the Republicans’ old school attitudes on social issues like gay marriage and abortion. The reaction to Todd Akin’s remarks are the most recent example. So many Republicans criticized Akin, and yet they seem more upset by the style of his remarks than by the substance. I’m starting to think they’re mad at him for saying what they all believe.

E Frandish
Riviera Beach

Dear Ms. Frandish,

You can go ahead and “swing” to the Democratic party. I’m also offended by the reaction of most Republicans’ to Akin’s remarks — but for the opposite reason. We are party of principles and we shouldn’t use weasel words to conceal that. Let us have the courage of our convictions and say exactly what we mean. Aborting a pregnancy caused by rape is wrong because life is life, and as Paul Ryan said, the “method of conception” doesn’t change that. But I would hasten to add what my colleague Ryan is afraid to say: that the woman faced with having to bring that child term is so punished because she is complicit in the crime. She ought to have worn less makeup or not had too much to drink at a party or placed her concealed handgun in a place more accessible to her in an emergency. To allow women to have abortions is to allow them to engage in loose behavior. The Puritans who founded this nation understood this, and our City on a Hill has been slipping off its perch since we moved away from these moral traditions. At the very least, a woman with an unwanted pregnancy should put the swaddling child in a basket and place it in a river, letting fate act as it will. This toddler may yet turn out to be Moses, Tim Tebow, or even Allen West!

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

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