Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.
Dear Allen West,
Merriam-Webster defines slavery as “the state of a person who is a chattel of another.” During an appearance on Fox News, you defined slavery as “going on Social Security disability.” Slaves, by definition, work. People who go on disability do so because they can’t work. If the difference still isn’t clear, you might consider picking up a history book to see how plantation owners treated people of color.
Port St. Lucie
Dear Mr. Callahan,
I know what slavery means and I know that Barack Hussein Obama wants Americans to be his slaves, as I said during a campaign stop in your town. I’m terribly sorry if that offends you, but the alternative would be for a white GOP congressman to throw around the term slavery. Now that would be offensive. Being black, society gives me more latitude to make outrageous remarks with racial overtones. If you don’t believe me, tune in next week because I plan on dropping the N-word. I’m sure I’ll be excoriated all over again, but I’ll also get another windfall of campaign donations from rich old white guys, and that usually cheers me right up.
Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West
Dear Allen West,
Everybody I know has been sharing this YouTube video of a guy who made a video at the age of 12, to be viewed by his 32-year-old self. If your 12-year-old self made a video to your future self, what would he have said?
Dear Ms. Veres,
I keep one such letter in my desk. It’s one of my most prized positions. I’ll read it to you:
Dear Five-Star General Allen B. West,
I hope this letter finds me in good health, but if I did die I hope it was from drowning in the blood of Soviets I killed in World War III. It is January 22, 1973. Two days ago, Richard Nixon was sworn into office for his second term, and I hope he will lower the age of enlisting in the Army to 13, because my birthday wish is to go to Vietnam to re-start the war. If that doesn’t happen, then I at least hope that Henry Kissinger wins the Nobel Peace Prize for bombing Cambodia. Mr. Glenn, my social studies teacher yelled at me today, calling me a “child demagogue” for trying to organize a resistance movement aimed at deposing him for his liberal whitewashing of FDR’s presidency. I have reported his treasonous acts to the FBI, but the agency hasn’t responded. I miss J. Edgar Hoover (he died last year) and I hope I have turned out to be a man like him. I have so many questions for my future self: How fast does my spaceship go, compared to my neighbor’s spaceship? How did I assassinate Fidel Castro? Has a technology been invented that would allow a little known candidate for congress to spread a message of paranoia and cultural intolerance, such that he attracts wealthy conservative donors, wins election, and then helps to destroy the American economy purely for the sake of preventing a Democratic president from gaining reelection? I wish you had a time machine and could give me an answer to these questions now, but I guess all I can do is wait. I salute you Future Allen. You are the best American in America.
Loyal and steadfast! Allen B. West, future Five-Star General.
Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.