Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Mitt Romney’s been raked over the coals for the comments he made at a Boca Raton fundraiser last May in which he derided the “47 percent” of Americans who don’t pay federal income tax and yet believe they’re “entitled” to services from the U.S. Government. I’m just curious, Allen West: How long did it take for you to go from being furious about the existence of this 47 percent to realizing that as a former U.S. soldier, you have spent much of the past decade as one of those 47 percenters?

K Hafner
West Palm Beach

Dear Mr. Hafner,

It took about two days before I made that grim discovery, with the help of a staff member who has since been let go. Yes, during my time in active duty deployment as a lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army, I was under no obligation to pay federal income taxes. But as an American I reserve the constitutional right to free expression of ideas, including the absolute right to declare how offended I am by the behavior of myself. I stand with the Tea Party patriots who stage protests against Obama’s radical socialist government while cashing their Social Security checks and availing themselves of Medicare benefits. I will stand with people who say that they “hate-watch” Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, even though it’s perfectly obvious to everyone in the living room that they enjoy it immensely. In any case, Gov. Romney’s statement was inelegant, a fact I pointed out to one of his senior campaign staffers. I requested a press release that would specifically exempt me from Romney’s definition of freeloaders, and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would be receiving a “certificate” that established me as a permanent member of the 53 percent of productive Americans. This senior staffer made a point of saying that he could think of no better way to spend his time in the five weeks before a presidential election than preparing this certificate for me. I thanked him and began to give him my mailing address but he had already hung up the phone.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I see that you went to Los Angeles to attend an event for pro-lifers. You said, “We cannot forget our traditional cultural values: the strength of marriage, the strength of family, the protection of the unborn.” Reading between the lines, I think what you mean to say is that women should stay in marriages, even after their husbands become physically abusive, that they should occupy the traditional family role of cook, maid and nanny to the children, and that they shouldn’t have the right to make decisions that affect their bodies. Does that about sum it up? 

T Bishop
Port St. Lucie

Dear Ms. Bishop,

If you spell it out like that, it totally defeats the purpose of speaking in coded language! But yes, pretty much all of those things. For instance, calling the 1950s “The Golden Age of America” is a lot better than saying, “the years when it was extra awesome to be a white man.” Any time we use the word “traditional” or “cultural” you can bet that we’re talking about white Protestant heterosexuals who consistently vote for the GOP ticket. For example, I am a committed proponent of voter identification reforms that safeguard Americans’ traditional right to a fair election unsullied by a culture of fraud and abuse. In other words, let’s make sure that white folks are always the voting majority.

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee is staging a contest to find the “Worst. Republican. Ever.” You’re a finalist! Why do you deserve this honor more than Michele Bachmann and Paul Ryan?

C Davidson
Riviera Beach

Dear Ms. Davidson,

Considering that the Democratic Party is everything wrong with America, this is effectively a contest for the honor being the politician who is most right for America. Congresswoman Bachmann has a talent for detecting conspiracy that I admire — she had the courage to point out that HPV vaccines might turn women into retards and she’s the leading authority on the Muslim’s Brotherhood’s plot to infiltrate the U.S. Government. By the same token, I’m impressed by Congressman Ryan’s willingness to slash programs for the most vulnerable Americans, as well as his record on offending female reproductive rights. But my consistent willingness to stoke paranoia and hatred speaks for itself. As long as I am given access to a microphone or a newspaper there will not be a shred of civility in American politics. It’s an honor to be nominated and all that, but let’s just say that the moment I heard of this contest, I started clearing a place on my mantle.

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at [email protected] or tweet it at @DearAllenWest.

47 percent, Allen West, Dear Allen, Florida, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Michele Bachmann, Paul Ryan, Romney