Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited former Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Having not received a response to our query, we must do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.
Dear Allen West,
I read today that Salty Eggs, the website where your column appears, just won a Green Eyeshade Award as the region’s third best blog. Are you pleased by this development? Because it seems to me that there would be friction between you and the others on the masthead, who clearly show a liberal bias.
Dear Mr. Pelgrino,
Satire is an art form that contains no small measure of nuance, so I hope you’re not too embarrassed to be the only one who’s not in on the joke: The fact is, this is a conservative website, reflecting my moral and political soul. Dear Allen is certainly a serious endeavor, but the site’s operators apparently decided that they would offset it with a hodgepodge of political and cultural satire. So you have columns like Danation, in which writer Dan Sweeney presents a caricature of popular liberal attitudes. Most recently, he delivered a hilariously misinformed critique of President Bush’s decision to invade Iraq 10 years ago, harping about “weapons of mass destruction” that were never found. It’s funny because we all know by now that we achieved our primary objective in that war, which was to smack around Muslims. If that was too subtle for you, Mr. Pelgrino, then surely you were wise to the joke in an April 19 article about a “specialty design firm” called “helium creative.” This alleged firm insists on being spelled in lower case letters, which was your first clue you were dealing with satire. But it goes a little over the top, I’d say, when it suggests that people should consider giving money to an art campaign that focuses on balloons. I mean, come on. Money for art that does not involve antique weapons? Is that not the most libtarded idea you’ve ever heard?
Other essays make reference to a civil rights movement called “feminism.” That may sound made-up, but feminism actually existed briefly in the 1970s — its promoters made the ludicrous argument that women did not enjoy being dominated by men. Of course, these agitators were rounded up and deported by the Reagan Administration; the conceit with those articles, as far as I can tell, is to pretend that feminism had not only survived the 1980s but that it was thriving and relevant in the modern age. (I swear, I almost typed that last part with a straight face.) As for the music coverage, every band you read about in Salty Eggs is a parody of a band that may have been popular before modern country music and American Idol became the only legitimate venues for musical expression. Please tell me you didn’t really believe that someone would call himself Iggy Pop and let himself be photographed wearing a dress and carrying a purse?
Now, the site’s operators have never explicitly told me that the other articles here are satirical; that would defeat the purpose. So I’m willing to play along, especially since I’m given carte blanche with this particular column. And let’s face it, despite the profound comic talents of the other Salty Eggs contributors, Dear Allen is the conservative spinal cord of this website and probably the single reason it was nominated for an award in the first place. Still, being a humble soldier (ret.), I must accept this award on behalf of the entire Salty Eggs staff, mindful that you don’t have to be a retired lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army who was kicked out for abusing an Iraqi prisoner to be a great American. To answer your question, Mr. Pelgrino, there is no tension between this decorated veteran and the others on the Salty Eggs masthead. We are as one, proud and strong, partners in the enterprise of electing Newt Gingrich president in 2016.
Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret.) Allen B West