Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

We have seen a number of mass shootings in the last few years, and most of them have been committed by white men, including those in Aurora, Colo., and Newtown, Conn. You were among the first to declare that the 2009 mass shootings at Fort Hood were a terrorist attack, because the killer was Muslim. So why aren’t you on television calling Ryan Lanza a terrorist?

T Milton
Delray Beach

Dear Ms. Milton,

It comes down to motive. By definition, terrorism is an act committed by the underdogs of society, a means for targeting innocents among the majority to spread fear among others in that majority. White men enjoy what some (but not necessarily me) might say is a God-given right to possess the greatest share of wealth and power in the United States of America. So white men don’t have a motive to terrorize society. As such, when a white man kills innocent people, there’s no point in asking whether there’s something “wrong” with white men. Instead, the question is: Could we have done more to help this white man who obviously developed a grudge toward society? Liberals blame the guns. Whatever the case, we try to resist the impulse to make broad generalizations about white American males based on the actions of one. Personally speaking, some of my best friends are white American males, and I’d hate to offend them. On the other hand, I don’t really know any Muslims, except the ones I see on the news.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I understand that you’re working out of a cafeteria now. Is Obama trying to make your last days in Washington, D.C., as humiliating as possible?

E Kozdras
Wellington

Dear Ms. Kozdras,

Of course he is. Obama is obsessed with me. He must know that his wife Michelle is drawn to my superior alpha male qualities. But as always, I am making the most of my situation. As I write, the magnificent aroma of today’s Salisbury steak is wafting over to my cubicle, overpowering the body odor of the heavyset congressional page seated at the adjoining cubicle. Last Thursday, when tater tots were on the menu, my “pole position” allowed me to be in line first, to get the freshest batch. But the chief advantage is social. You see, some of my GOP colleagues blame me for the “toxic rhetoric” on Capitol Hill, a factor that led a number of members to lose their offices. Also, my demands for a recount did not go over well. So last month when I’d bring over my lunch tray, they’d refuse to scoot over, saying that there wasn’t room at the table. But now I can just walk past them, head held high, making it clear that I prefer to eat at my cubicle so that I can stream Hulu shows during my meal. Sometimes, when the cafeteria stops cooking and the din of silverware ceases, I have a moment for reflection, and I think about how great it would be if a terrorist attacked this cafeteria and I saved everyone by stabbing the attacker with the paperclips I have sharpened for the occasion. Then they would appreciate me.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest

Allen West, Barack Obama, Capitol Hill, Ryan Lanza