Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen,

You had one “hell” of a Saturday. First you accused Barack Obama of trying to “divide the country.” And that same night, you told Obama, Sen. Harry Reid, and Reps. Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Schultz to “get the hell out of the United States of America.” Hypocritical much?

B. Esterhaus
Oakland Park

Dear Miss Esterhaus,

Nope. Not one bit. You see, Miss Esterhaus, the deporting of Obama, Reid, Pelosi, Wasserman Schultz and other radicals is the first step toward truly uniting these United States of America. I will be introducing a bill next week that orders U.S. Customs agents to round up those party leaders, along with all the nation’s registered Democrats, so that they can be placed on freighters bound for the North Pole. Upon their arrival, they will commence the construction of a shuttle launch pad to expedite President-Elect Newt Gingrich’s plan to build a base on the moon. And they had better work fast! Our Republican-only America will accelerate the consumption of natural resources, which will speed up the melting of the ice caps, according to liberals’ junk science. By the end of President Gingrich’s second term, those Democrats will’ve either drowned in the Arctic Ocean or launched themselves at the moon. Either way, the outcome is a stronger America.

Steadfast and loyal! LTC (R) A B West

Dear Allen,

I am an 82-year-old widower, and my granddaughters are my whole life. I have been in poor health for many years, but I take comfort in knowing that everything I have worked for — my houses, my business, my cars — I have created for them. Only now I’ve learned that my youngest granddaughter, Anna, has become engaged to a Palestinian. To a Muslim man! Can I in good conscience avoid writing lovely Anna out of my will?

S. Bumschwitz
Boca Raton

Dear Mr. Bumschwitz,

As every good American knows, Palestinians do not exist — just ask President-Elect Gingrich. I presume you suffer from dementia, so I will explain this as clearly as I can: Those who call themselves “Palestinians” are Muslims, and Muslims are terrorists. If your granddaughter plans to marry one of these freedom rapists, then the word for Anna is “enemy combatant.”

So the question is not whether your conscience will let you write Anna OUT of your will. The question is whether your conscience will allow you to write Hamas INTO your will. And that is NOT an option — unless you want to join the other financiers of terrorism in a little nursing home called Guantanomo Bay.

If you are a true patriot, Mr. Bumschwitz, you will take the portion of the estate you had planned to bequeath to Anna and you will instead name my Super PAC as the beneficiary. Also, please die before the November 2012 election. August would be ideal.

Steadfast and loyal! LTC(R) A B West

Dear Allen,

I hate Saul Alinksy and I hope he dies. Who is Saul Alinsky?

D. Smith
Pompano Beach

Dear D. Smith,

He is the single biggest threat to the American way of life today, and he must be stopped before he strikes… again? Actually, I’m not sure who the hell he is. Sounds too Jewish to be a terrorist. Ask Newt.

Steadfast and loyal! LTC(R) A B West

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