Rep. Allen West

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

During this week’s town hall event in Jensen Beach, you claimed that roughly 80 House Democrats are members of the Communist Party. You identified the Congressional Progressive Caucus as a den of socialist conspirators. Can you tell me, are these Reds being led by a zombie Vladimir Lenin? Or do they take their orders from Fidel Castro? Hugo Chavez? What is their objective?

B DeJesus
Riviera Beach

Dear Mr. DeJesus,

I don’t know who their leader is, although Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is a person of interest in my investigation. But I do know their objective: to destroy everything that is exceptional about the United States of America. To wit, we are a nation that makes health care a privilege, not a right. We tax the poor and middle class but not the wealthy. We ensure peace by torturing enemy combatants. We haven’t met a social issue we couldn’t solve by building more prisons or by loosening restrictions on gun control. Gaze in wonder at that majestic mountain of Americanisms I listed and know that the Congressional Progressive Caucus (i.e. the American Communist Party) stands in opposition to each of those attributes of our sacred national character. If that’s not a communist, then I don’t know what is. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

Politico and the Daily Beast have created a greatest hits collection of your nuttiest comments. I love greatest hits albums! And I find that a greatest hits release signals the end of an artist’s career, a sign they’ve run out of gas creatively and they’re happy to coast on the fumes of their past success. If you lose your reelection campaign, will you be performing your most revered old speeches at casinos, a la Foreigner and Smokey Robinson?

R Tynsdale
Delray Beach

Dear Mr. Tynsdale,

As a (retired) member of the United States Armed Forces, I refuse to even consider the possibility of a defeat. No self-respecting American should. If we have learned anything from past conflicts, it’s that we should go to any length to ensure victory. Even if that means resorting to war crimes or changing the definition of victory. So just as Kissinger bombed Cambodia and Bush wasn’t really looking for WMDs, I reserve the right to fabricate smears against my opponents and — if that doesn’t work — then what I really wanted to do was pursue the many opportunities available to me in the private sector, such as a Fox News show that would enable me to bring my message to more patriots. But I appreciate you bringing up my most incendiary speeches. For extra credit, I challenge you to go through those speeches and see whether you can find a single major American demographic that I fail to offend. It’s not people of color. It’s certainly not women. Time’s up! The answer is rich, white male conservatives. They are perfect.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or Tweet him at @DearAllenWest.

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

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