Dear Allen: In Which the Fla. Congressman Fields Your Questions

Note from the Editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

A big prostitution scandal erupted this week in Colombia, and it all began when a Secret Service agent offered to pay a prostitute $30 instead of the $800 she demanded. In other news, you were supposed to be making an appearance at a fundraiser for a Long Island GOP congressional candidate this weekend, but you canceled, apparently because the candidate couldn’t guarantee that you’d get $10,000 for your services. Exactly what tricks do you perform that a Colombian prostitute does not?

R Devlin
Delray Beach

Dear Mr. Devlin,

You haven’t been to many Republican fundraisers, have you? If you had, you would know that it’s the obligation of the event organizers to furnish both a star-studded lineup of speakers and five-star hookers. Unlike Obama’s Secret Service agents, Republicans hire only American prostitutes. Democrats are already sending too many jobs south of the border. In addition, you’ll note that when Republicans launch foreign wars, we invade countries that have a dearth of prostitutes — Iraq and Afghanistan, for instance. Whereas Democratic presidents use foreign intervention as an excuse to let their staff visit prostitute-rich lands. Lyndon Johnson with Vietnam. Bill Clinton in the Balkans. See? Now you know why the pimps of Thailand are hoping Obama gets a second term.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen,

Just when I think you’ve said something that will wreck your career, you come out a winner. Example: After claiming that members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus are communists, you saw a spike in fundraising. I’m almost afraid to ask, but is there a method to your madness?

H Przezinski
Hollywood

Dear Ms. Przezinski,

You bet your liberal ass there is! Ever since the civil rights movement America has been becoming increasingly intolerant of intolerance. In this modern political climate, folks don’t feel comfortable being openly racist, misogynist, or xenophobic. With the internet, we have so much access to information about other cultures, that we can no longer use ignorance as a legitimate pretext for hating people who are different. I speak for the people who remember when ignorance really was bliss. They pay me to say what they want to say. It makes them feel better about not having the courage to say it themselves.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com