Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

One of the most tense exchanges during the third and final presidential debate came after Mitt Romney suggested that the President had neglected the U.S. Armed Forces, which have fewer ships than a century ago. This caused Obama to say that our armies have fewer horses and bayonets, as well. I had no idea this was the case. Naturally, I’m concerned that radical Muslims will use a horse (and perhaps a bayonet, as well) in the commission of a terrorist act against our nation’s people and livestock. 

K Bilkington
Tamarac

Dear Ms. Bilkington,

There was a time when a soldier had the satisfaction of looking into the eyes of the man he killed, feeling that man’s hot blood running down his forearm as he twisted his bayonet into the man’s evil heart, the light leaving that man’s eye as he plummeted to the abyss of hell. Having slain his enemy, an American soldier would climb astride a muscular steed, feeling that powerful beast writhing between his legs as it galloped, an extension of his phallus, as was the bayonet affixed to the top of his gun. If depriving U.S. soldiers of their bayonets is merely a circumscision, then to take away their horses is to turn those soldiers into eunuchs. Since Obama took office, our nation’s military has subcontracted the deadly art of combat to a fleet of computer-programmed drones. And if that act of neutering our soldiers wasn’t insult enough, Obama has seen fit to allow gays into the military and women onto the battlefield. In conclusion, the modern American soldier lacks the tools for effective hand-to-hand combat, and the tactical considerations being negotiated in his mind are distracted by the danger of his fellow soldier ogling his posterior. This is detrimental to morale. Personally, I favor a battle axe, and if Obama wants to take it away from me, then he’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hand.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I’m addicted to the Showtime series Homeland. It’s about an American soldier who served in Iraq and is being treated as an American hero, when in fact his patriotic claims are a ruse, obscuring the fact that he’s been turned against his country and is conspiring with a terrorist organization. This soldier, Sgt. Nicholas Brody, is now a member of Congress. You are the member of Congress whose story most closely resembles Brody’s. And I must say that your searing hatred of Muslims does seem to stretch credulty, as if you’re over-compensating. Let me ask you directly: Are you the American Taliban? Are you an assassin?

H Roy
Stuart

Dear Mr. Roy,

You are mad. You are the Mad Hatter. You are like a cow with mad cow disease. I suppose in your twisted fantasy, the alleged torture I committed against an Iraqi prisoner was designed to get me kicked out of the U.S. Army, positioning me to spend the ensuing years engaged in an ingeniously sinister campaign to undermine the moral standing of Americans by exhorting them to forsake the principles of reason and empathy in favor of the vices of paranoia and bloodlust. You propose, perhaps, that this is an act of sedition more subtle but far more destructive than the 9/11 attacks, because it turns Americans against one another. As the world’s only superpower, America cannot be defeated by any foreign army, and certainly no terrorist organization. Rather, she must crumble from the inside, her core values having decayed, leaving the foundation fragile. If you are right, Mr. Roy (and you are most definitely not) then it is too late to stop me now. Being defeated in next week’s election will only be my final act of mocking this nation’s pitiful tradition of settling arguments with democratic elections. Having inflicted this pestilence upon the nation, I shall be the only one qualified to rid us of it. The disease and the cure. The apocalypse and the salvation. Is that about right? Nope, your theory is totally false. I’m just a congressman who loves America and speaks his mind. Nothing to see here. Move along now.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet @DearAllenWest.

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