Dear Allen: One Flew Over the Colonel’s Nest

Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I found the tone of last week’s column very disturbing — the trauma of losing your reelection appeared to affect your grasp of reality. In the mental health community, we call this “brief reactive psychosis.” In your case, you seemed to be channeling fictional characters from Poe and Charlotte Perkins Gilman. I fear that you are a threat to yourself or to others, which is why I e-mailed a link to your column to the Broward Sheriff’s Office, along with my professional recommendation that you be involuntarily committed to a mental institution, pursuant to Florida’s Baker Act. Have you gotten the help you needed?

A Teller
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Dr. Teller,

How kind of you to write and express your concern for my welfare. I am in a safe place and have been making new friends. In particular, I’ve formed an attachment to a tall, formidable Seminole man I call “Chief.” He is not a loquacious fellow — they say he’s deaf and dumb. But I do most of the talking, and I sense in Chief a gentle soul and a kindred spirit. There is also a nurse here who has established an orderly routine to my daily affairs. This, she says, will alleviate the stress that complicated my condition in the first place. She scolds me when she hears me whispering to Chief about ACORN and Benghazi. Yesterday she found my secret stash of Gladiator DVDs, which she destroyed in front of all my friends. I am not fond of this nurse, to be quite honest, even though she claims to have voted for me after seeing me on Fox News. Nevertheless, I will stay here for a little while to keep Chief company.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

You may recall that we had a brief email correspondence in January 2011. I am the owner of the web domains PresidentAllenWest.com and AllenWest2016.com. I have had trouble reaching you for the last few weeks, but I wanted to let you know that I have reconsidered the offer you made a while back, and I’d be willing to sign over my right to those sites for $99,995. Please contact me at your earliest convenience so that we can finalize this transaction. And best of luck with your upcoming campaign!

I Henderson
Wilmington, DE

Dear Mr. Henderson,

This pleases me very much. I have been in such a fog lately that I had entirely forgotten about the scores of Tea Party patriots who invested in me their hope for a new American President. I recall being encouraged in this venture by such universally beloved political figures as Donald Trump and Andrew Breitbart. I wonder if they would campaign with me? I will place a phone call to the finance chair of my campaign and have the funds wired to you. Although, I must ask you to be patient. Because I’m sorry to say I have misplaced my phone. My suspicion is that the nurse knows where it is — a charge that she has not denied! But when I ask her for it, explaining my intention to run for the presidency, she only gives me this patronizing smile, then passes me a couple of pills with a styrofoam cup of water. If I can tell you the truth, I’m fairly certain that she is Obamacare, but when I try to connect the dots to explain how a policy could become a person, I get so tired, and before I realize it, I’m dozing off, dreaming of a world where 2011 never became 2012.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com