Dear Allen: I Am Not a Rainbow Warrior!

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

For years I’ve prayed for the day when a major political figure could confidently declare that discrimination based on sexual orientation no longer occurs in America. Imagine my surprise to learn that you would be the politician to mark this cultural milestone. But if you don’t mind me asking, what sequence of events prompted this bold statement on your part? And did you give my boss the memo? Because this morning, blushing with pride for my country, I strutted through my office, only to hear my boss grumble, “Stop being such a fag.”

A Toulle
Wilton Manors

Dear Mr. Toulle,

I think you have the wrong idea. I am a hero. But I’m most definitely not a hero in the cause for gay civil rights, and I certainly didn’t want to give that impression. If you look carefully at my remarks, I’m not suggesting that workplace discrimination against gays is over. I’m saying that it never began. To be even more flagrantly offensive, I’m saying that your feelings of dread and anxiety, your frustration about not getting promoted or a pay raise … I’m saying that all of these feelings are not valid. Also, if you gays don’t like a hostile work environment, why are you so eager to join the military?

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

As a card-carrying member of the South Florida Tea Party, I was devastated to learn about your “anemic” record for voting on issues that are central to the cause of shrinking government. You voted for raising the debt ceiling and you voted against spending cuts. Have you betrayed our cause?

Z Morris
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Mr. Morris,

Are you suggesting that I pandered to a group of extremely gullible voters, castigating big government only to abandon those principles after arriving in D.C.? Gosh, that makes me as bad as … well … virtually every other congressman who was elected by the tea party. You want to run another candidate in the primary? Good luck with that. The only guy to the right of me is Genghis Khan, and he’s been dead for 800 years. You created this monster. Now you’ve gotta live with it.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or Tweet at him @DearAllenWest.