Dear Allen: Special Edition

Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

The Sun Sentinel says you lost to Patrick Murphy. But reading Politico, it sounds like you’re not ready to concede. After record spending on this race, with the barrage of advertisements, are you really going to put us through a recount?

C Fairmont
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Ms. Fairmont,

Sorry, but I need this. You, a nameless, hopeless, insignificant mortal cannot possibly understand the exhiliration of being a famous political figure. The indescribable euphoria that comes with arousing fierce love and searing hatred, the womb-like warmth of the limelight.

It is a drug. I am an addict.

There will be a recount, then another. Anything that will forestall my banishment, because even if my own supporters turn on me, then at least I have provoked an emotional response. What I dread most is ambivalence, irrelevance. For God’s sake, I was once thought to be a presidential contender! And what will my legacy be now? A one-term congressman, swept in by the Tea Party tidal wave of 2010, swept out with Michele Bachmann, Joe Walsh, and Todd Akin, our incendiary rhetoric and apocalyptic brand of conservativism blamed for driving moderates toward Obama? If I remind Republicans of this 2012 defeat, then what conservative media outlet will hire me as a commentator? You do not know how cruel the Republican Party is to those who lose. You may know of my fondness for gladiator movies. I have fallen in the arena, lost my sword and my shield. And now my adversary stands over me, his blade at my shoulder, looking toward the emperor’s box for direction. The GOP does not suffer losers gladly. Even a prisoner on death row is granted a last meal, Ms. Fairmont. Let me have this recount. Then I will fade away, and you’ll have to count on Patrick Murphy for amusement.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I have been one of your most ardent supporters: a believer from the very beginning. What on earth has happened? I feel as though I’m living in an alternate universe. I have been a devoted viewer of Fox News, but they offer no explanation for how the America they have been telling me about could have voted in Barack Obama and voted out patriots like yourself. Obama ruined the economy, his Obamacare will bankrupt the nation and the Benghazi incident should have been the final nail in the coffin. I find myself at a crossroads. I understand that the liberal media are critical of Fox News, allegedly for being biased in favor of the GOP. I am tempted to give that claim more serious consideration so that I’m not so blindsided by future events. On the other hand, this examination would require me to inspect so many deep-seated fears and prejudices, I fear the loss of my very identity. So I beg you for help avoiding that. Please conceive of a conspiracy theory to explain what happened last night, and I will believe it.

S Dent
West Palm Beach

Dear Mr. Dent,

You have lifted my spirits with your message of hope. Something sinister definitely happened last night, and the truth is so awful that even I couldn’t face it till now. You see, Mitt Romney is a robot. He was programmed by Democratic Party scientists to recite the words and phrases that have been shown to deliver seretonin spikes in GOP voters, and his supposed “electability” appealed to the rational part of our minds. Handsome, tall, articulate with a perfect head of hair, I suppose they became worried that their creation was too perfect, and so they made him a Mormon, likely a practical joke that adds insult to the injury of so many of our evangelical voters. Romney’s “parents” George and Lenore are both dead, leaving us with no known witnesses to the candidate’s supposed human birth.

My guess is that Romney’s creation occurred around the same time that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, whenever that occurred. The humanoid was put in charge of a shadowy firm called Bain Capital but not really tested in public till Massachusetts, a location that ensured his close proximity to Harvard, MIT and other elite institutions for research and science, so his creators could continue tinkering with him. Perhaps because they found it impossible to resist, these mad scientists programmed the Romney-Bot to launch a universal health-care program in the state. Of course, they never quite succeeded in making him a convincing human, as you can see from this video of awkward unscripted moments from Romney’s political career. Isn’t it curious, though, that just as Romney appeared to be closing in on Obama, a video surfaced that showed him in the home of a rich Boca Raton man, maligning 47 percent of the American public. Clearly, that was set up by Democratic operatives. And as the nation turned on Romney, it turned on true, red-blooded patriots like myself who shared a party affiliation with this imposter. That is why, in addition to the ballot recount, I am insisting that the political corpse of Mitt Romney be exhumed and given a thorough autopsy, by medical analysts vetted by the Republican Party and in full view of a Fox News audience. If we believe — truly believe — in this conspiracy, then we will not have to confront the liberal mainstream media’s version of reality. We can bond again through our mutual paranoia toward liberals, and all will be as it was before November 6.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or Tweet at @DearAllenWest.