Dear Allen: There Is a Time to Vote and a Time to Kill

Our dear Rep. Allen West

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I’m an 84-year-old proud Southern belle trying to enjoy her golden years at the Sunrise Lakes condominium complex. But there’s only so much a lady can take. There’s a black in the White Houses who thinks it’s OK for gays to get married. The Supreme Court just decided not to strike down Obamacare, and the fellow who gave Obama the idea for that health-care reform is our Republican candidate for U.S. president. Who is a Mormon, by the way. As if this isn’t crazy enough, I’m writing a letter to my favorite congressman, who’s even blacker than Obama! I’m standing on the ledge of my second floor condo. Give me a reason not to jump.

V Estes
Sunrise

Dear Ms. Estes,

I receive at least a dozen letters a day from folks just like you. I know you must feel like you’ve fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole and that I’m the Mad Hatter. But I need you to believe that the Republicans of America are doing their very best to rewind the clock to 1955. It’s just that building a time machine isn’t easy, especially if you avoid the work of Albert Einstein (liberal Jew). The only way we will succeed is if people like you make it to the polls and vote. That toothy, helmet-haired Mormon may look like a funeral director whose beady eyes are measuring you for a coffin, but trust me when I tell you that he takes his orders from God-fearing Americans. Romney will appoint Supreme Court justices so conservative, they’ll make Tony Scalia look like Jane Fonda. He’ll make the gays march back into the closet. And he’ll dial back American foreign policy to an era when it was simply Good (us) versus Evil (them). So get off that ledge. I cannot bear the thought of you plummeting eight feet to your death. Have another dose of those drugs provided to you by America’s heroic pharmaceutical giants. Flip on Fox News and just bide your time till November. That’s when your country will need you most.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I’ve read about your reaction to the Fast and Furious scandal. I’m glad to see you’re so outraged by the notion of guns getting into the wrong hands. But if you’re mad about drug dealers getting guns, why don’t you tighten gun laws so that children can’t get them?

S Ashtenberg
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Mr. Ashtenberg,

Apples and oranges. You’re overlooking a crucial distinction between those two scenarios. The first is an unacceptable mistake commited by an Attorney General who serves a Democrat administriation. The second is an unfortunate consequence of a gun-control policy proudly advanced by Republican leaders. In Fast and Furious, the agents engaged in “gun-walking,” meaning they deliberately allowed the guns to get in the hands of the drug traffickers. In cases where kids use their parents’ weapons, it’s completely accidental. The kind of accident that occurs in a nation awash in liberties. Much like the free market, these calamities are always self-correcting. When your neighbor’s kid gets his hands on a gun, you’ll be glad that you also have a gun. So that you can shoot him — in self-defense, of course. You may be surprised to know that I agree with Democrats who say there are too many guns in America. The difference is that I think the solution is more guns.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet @DearAllenWest