Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I don’t really have a question. I just want to try to convey to you how much I’m looking forward to voting for the person who is not you. Are you running against another person? If not, that thing will still have my vote. If your challenger is merely a single testicle with a happy face drawn on it, then congratulations to that teste. If I see that there is an amoeba running against you, that single-celled organism will be given the privilege of representing me in Congress. I would be only slightly less enthusiastic about voting for a case of pig flu or a bout with West Nile virus; but I would certainly rather have that illness for two years then to spend those two years calling you my congressman.

R Cleamons
Port St. Lucie

Dear Mr. Cleamons,

It is fortunate for you that I have heeded the advice of Republican Party officials who have instructed me in these dwindling days of the 2012 campaign to refrain from using incendiary rhetoric, which includes the violent sexual imagery I might otherwise invoke to respond to your question. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, I will say this about the various write-in candidates for congress you propose: The amoeba has declined to issue an unequivocal promise that it will repeal Obamacare, reversing the government takeover of our health care system. In addition, the slow growth of the economy will require a much more nuanced solution than phagocytosis, which will only provide economic benefits to other micro-organisms, not human beings. A testicle with a happy face inscribed on it is not a serious candidate, or it would not be grinning at such a dire time in American history. And the point of Congress is to bring together elected officials who have a wide range of opinions and experience; we already have a smiling scrotum in Congress and Lindsey Graham is doing a terrific job. I will concede that the pig flu has taken a tough stance on Americans without health insurance; I believe it’s actually killed some of them. And I can’t help but admire how the West Nile virus has tortured and killed a disproportionate number of suspected Muslim extremists. But I would caution the Republicans and Independents in my district that voting for the pig flu or the West Nile virus would split the Republican ticket, causing all three of us to lose to a Democratic challenger who I will not name.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

In a memoir, your Republican colleague Jon Hubbard from Arkansas wrote that “the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise.” That’s because slavery made it possible for African Americans to, eventually, become citizens of “the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the earth,” as Hubbard points out. Are you grateful to the institution of slavery?

C Bergdorf
Delray Beach

Dear Mr. Bergdorf,

As a black man raised in Georgia, slavery is a very sensitive topic for me, and out of respect for that shameful time in American history, I resist any invitation to discuss the issue or to make any reference to it, unless President Obama drives me to it by giving welfare benefits to the poor. If we talk about slavery or any other topic related to race, we run the risk of a discussion about de facto segregation in America’s inner cities and the role that plays in the achievement gap of minority students. And what next? We will talk about why blacks serve longer prison sentences for drug crimes and why they’re a minority in the country but a majority in so many prisons. That’s totally out of bounds! In this dangerously free-wheeling discussion, we might stumble across the question of whether immigration policies like the one in Arizona encourage racial profiling against Hispanics. Now can you see how far down this slippery slope we’ve gone? Let us never, ever talk about race. Let’s talk about terrorists! Aren’t they just the worst?

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

Allen West, Jon Hubbard, President Obama