Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I am one of the fools who donated to your reelection campaign. I gave $500. And now I can’t afford to fix my car or buy Christmas presents for my family. I heard that you raised $18.1 million during your campaign and that you have $1.5 million left. Can you please give me my $500 back? 

K Polk
Tuscaloosa, AL

Dear Mr. Polk,

Your donation to my campaign was greatly appreciated and totally nonrefundible and greatly appreciated. In exchange for your generosity, you should have received an email with a thank-you message, which can be printed out and framed. Enjoy that. Besides, for you and all the other donors, $18 million was a small price to pay for the thrills and spills that we shared during the course of this campaign. Clearly, however, you and the other donors did not give enough. Be assured, I am not angry at you. You don’t mention whether your family has enough money to eat, so I assume they do, but I do not begrudge you for using your funds in this fashion while Barack Obama continues to dine in the White House, feasting on the entrails of patriots like myself. I challenged you and other Americans to show me how much your country meant to you, and you responded with a $500 check. That is your burden to bear. I have no regrets and, again, offer no refunds.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

During an interview with whack job hategobbler Mark Levin, you reflected on your electoral defeat to Patrick Murphy by making this promise: “I’m not going away just because of a congressional race where he seems to have to cheat to beat me.”  Your campaign had $18.1 million. Murphy had $4.2 million. Please, enlighten us about the devious machinations of this Murphy character. How, exactly, did he cheat?

D Bryant
Stuart

Dear Ms. Bryant,

The Founding Fathers designed a democratic republic around electoral campaigns according to a simple concept, recently reinforced by the Supreme Court through its decision in Citizens United: While each of us has only one vote, he who has deep pockets can bankroll an election and then enjoy the spoils of having a member of Congress in his pocket. Having raised over $18 million for my reelection campaign, I’m in more pockets than I knew existed. In fact, I had planned to use this lame duck session of Congress to go over the donations so that I could figure out exactly what policy each donor wants me to pursue in Congress. Instead, I’m cleaning out my office. It’s quite bewildering. I cannot possibly describe the details of exactly how Patrick Murphy cheated, but it’s perfectly evident that he subverted the sacred tradition of American elections by largely ignoring corporations and wealthy businessmen so that he could take his message directly to voters. I mean both men and women. He actually sought out votes from poor people. From minorities! These groups are not supposed to have anything but a symbolic role in our electoral institutions. So for Murphy to exploit those people is an act of cowardice and a miscarriage of democracy. But he will have to live with those consequences. He is in the pockets of every voter in his congressional district. It’s hard enough to please the most privileged members of the electorate, but to try to please everybody? That’s not what America’s about, and I don’t envy the predicament that Murphy has made for himself.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest

Allen West, citizens united, Dear Allen, Dear Allen West, patrick murphy, Supreme Court