Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

I am reeling from the news that retired Gen. David Petraeus betrayed his wife of 38 years with some hot-to-trot biographer a few decades his junior. What is happening to the moral fiber of our military men?

B Krezer
Port St. Lucie

Dear Ms. Krezer,

I suggest you stop reading the news and get back to work on that quilt. You cannot reverse millennia of male sexual conquest. To the victor go the spoils, and that includes all the women, girls, horses, and cattle in a land conquered by a brave warrior. One of my personal heroes, the ruthless Mongol despot Genghis Khan, personally fornicated with most of the continent of Asia, spreading his seed so far and wide that 1,000 years later he is said to have 16 million descendants. Indeed, while stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan I must admit that I was tempted to lay with one of those female descendants — can you imagine a warrior related to both Genghis Khan and Allen West? He would be indestructible! In any case, Gen. Petreaus should be commended for his restraint and for his taste — by the looks of it, Paula Broadwell is a compulsive dieter and exerciser, and her obessive attention to her appearance ought to be rewarded by the fleeting sexual interest of a dominant male.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

No matter how many times they recount the ballots, you’re still a stone-cold loser. And now you’re being invited to run for office in Georgia? Why can’t you just make like Mitt Romney and fade into oblivion?

T Prentiss
Wellington

Dear Mr. Prentiss,

Barack Obama wasn’t the only black guy to win the presidency last week. While the Florida Supervisor of Elections was indulging my demands for a recount, my supporters and I were engaged in a bit of old-fashioned “nation-building.”

I’m proud to announce that I have received 100 percent of the vote in the first presidential election in the history of Republicanistan. You may not have heard of our country. Technically, it’s an artificial reef consisting of old tires that lies about 10 miles off the coast of Pompano Beach. But we have a population of nearly 4,000, not counting the hundreds of elderly relatives who provided the seed money for this venture by signing over their Social Security checks.

Unlike the U.S. Government, Republicanistan lives within its means. If we run out of resources we will loosen the qualifications for the death penalty, which currently applies to anyone heard to mention the names Mitt Romney or Patrick Murphy. If need be, we will begin hacking off the limbs of some Republicanistanis in order to feed others. But we’re sure it won’t come to that. Our economy is booming — the Lockheed Martin plant will be opening next week, now that we’ve promised to earmark 90 percent of the Republicanistan budget for building weapons. Naturally, those weapons will be used to defend ourselves from recreational boaters who trespass on our territorial waters, but the seizure of those watercraft and their supplies will provide a source of capital for our young country, as will the ransom we charge for the safe return of the passengers. Last Friday we opened the doors of Allen West University, an institution of continuing education that allows students of any age to major in incendiary rhetoric, fossil fuel rapaciousness, Islamo-vilification, and history revision.

In my inaugural remarks, I delivered a stern warning about the need for the people of Republicanistan to adhere strictly to one religion and to brutally suppress the rights of women, lest our nation become ruled by a Taliban-like regime. And though we will no longer be part of America, we will continue our campaign against her domestic terrorists by launching occasional invasions of liberal enclaves. We will be testing our nuclear devices in Cuba.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

Allen West, Barack Obama, david petraeus, Genghis Khan, Mitt Romney, Republicanistan