Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Chick-fil-A President Don Cathy is catching flak from liberals for exercising his freedom of speech by saying he thinks it’s wrong to let gays get married. Now the Muppets have pulled their promotion deal and thousands of liberals are boycotting the restaurant. How did we become a country where conservatives have to stay “in the closet,” lest their beliefs are punished by consumers? What can we do to protect the family-values businessman from the liberal customer?

E Shipton
Palm Beach Gardens

Dear Mr. Shipton,

I could kiss you for asking that question. I won’t, because that would be a disgrace before God, but you really got to the heart of the issue. I join my friend Sarah Palin in applauding Don Cathy, and I’m gravely concerned for his freedom of speech. At this very moment I’m drafting a piece of legislation that would make it possible for Cathy, whose company makes billions in the U.S., to give a virtually unlimited amount of that money to conservative candidates who share his willingness to speak up for traditional families. In addition, this bill would make it possible for bold entrepreneurs like Cathy to use an array of complex accounting maneuvers including overseas bank accounts so that he can withhold tax payments to a nation whose president believes gays should be allowed to marry, as Barack Obama has stated. Wait… OK, I’m discussing with my staff. Ah, I’m being told that these things already exist. Well, then. I guess the best way to show support would be to buy Chick-fil-A sandwiches. Although, I wish there was another way – any other way. I guess the important thing is to buy the food; you don’t necessarily have to eat it.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

My daughter is a collegiate rower and we’ve been watching the Summer Olympics together. I couldn’t help but notice that NBC gives primetime air only to the female Olympic sports that show the athletes in form-fitting clothing. Beach volleyball, gymnastics, swimming, track and field. But almost nothing on female weightlifters, archery, or rowing. As a woman, I love the Olympics, but it’s insulting that television executives treat the games like an extended beer commercial. What should I tell my daughter?

S Gorman
Wellington

Dear Ms. Gorman,

Since when do they let women compete in the Olympics? Haha, I’m just kidding. Who says conservatives don’t have a sense of humor? Listen, the boys on the Olympic committee are happy to let women play sports, and the boys at NBC are happy to televise those sports. All men ask in return is that the female athletes dress in as little clothing as possible and air their events at the end of our grueling work days, so that men can watch them while they eat the dinner their wives cooked for them. This seems to me a very reasonable trade. Personally, I’m looking foward to seeing which female athlete wins gold in cross-country shopping. I hope my wife isn’t competing!

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? Email us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

Allen West, Chick-fil-A, Dear Allen, Don Cathy, Olympics, Sarah Palin