Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

It sounds like you have been suffering from what Hollywood publicists call “exhaustion.” That is, drug use that has graduated from recreational to Charlie Sheen. Although in your case, the drug is “relevance,” and since your defeat in last month’s election, you’ve binged on what’s left of your supply. As with Charlie Sheen, it is hard to resist the train wreck spectacle, which is the only reason I can explain NPR seeking you out for an interview. In that discussion, you compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln. That clinches it. You’re delusional. 

L Redfield
Orlando

Dear Mr. Redfield,

There is a doctor at the Republican National Committee’s Sanatorium for the Self-Immolating Statesman who would disagree with your assessment. I was discharged last week, given a clean bill of health and greeted with a fresh round of applause from the conservative blogosphere, which has reignited speculation that I’m a contender for the presidency in 2016. Upon taking the Oval Office, the comparisons to Lincoln will be a little more evident — and not just because of the billy goat beard and stovepipe hat that’s part of my new look. You see, I am certain that I will also be able to trigger a Civil War during my time in office. It’s a simple matter of finding policy that provokes a violent reaction from the North. To start, my administration will turn New York City’s Central Park into a NASCAR track, attracting droves of tourists from the Deep South. We will insert grammatical errors into metropolitan billboards. And we will make irony a first-degree felony, forcing Northerners to make the case before a jury that their T-shirts, their glasses and their dancing were all sincere expressions of enjoyment. Yep, that should do the job.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I’m still heart-broken about your defeat, and I was hoping you could cheer me up. I hear that sometimes when a politician loses a bitter campaign, his staff will play pranks on the successor. For instance, those rascals who worked in the Clinton White House removed the “W” from a number of keyboards before the George W. Bush administration took office. What do you have planned for Patrick Murphy?

D Miller
Palm Beach Gardens

Dear Mr. Miller,

I suspect Congressman-elect Murphy will be too busy planning his move to Washington to read this column, and besides I can’t resist telling you all the ingenious tricks we’ve devised. On the morning before my last day, a member of my staff will buy the biggest salmon at the market, soak it in milk, and then place it in the ceiling of the congressional office, inside a massive safe that has been perforated to allow the rancid stench to circulate. A friend of mine in the CIA has been conducting surveillance on Patrick Murphy’s wife, and at some point after Murphy takes office, his wife will return from the grocery store with a shopping cart full of bags, open the trunk of the SUV, only to find a dead transsexual prostitute, sprinkled with her husband’s DNA. Oops! A Newsmax video crew will be there to capture the hilarious expression on her face. In addition, a former soldier in the Viet Cong responded to my Craigslist ad and has been busy creating a pit full of sharpened bamboo spears, as well as land mines and trip wires, which Murphy staffers will certainly discover in the course of running from the dozen anacondas that will be placed in the office. Even if Murphy somehow manages to make it unscathed through this house of horrors, there is one final prank. As he sits down for the first time at his congressional desk, he will hear a loud and vulgar sound. That’s from the whoopie cushion I’ve placed on the seat. People will think he farted!

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com

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