Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

What the hell did I just witness? Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention, scolding an empty chair? Is this the kind of quality control I can expect from the GOP if I vote for Romney? Prior to Thursday night, you suggested that the mystery guest should be a “regular American” and that it’s a mistake to “glorify big names.” I think you knew that Eastwood was going to be the mystery guest (it was a poorly kept secret) and that you thought it was a mistake. Here’s your chance to tell party leaders, “I told ya so!”

G Woods
Fort Lauderdale

Dear Mr. Woods,

The Clint Eastwood appearance was a truly diabolical liberal media conspiracy. Those of us who were in the crowd Thursday night could plainly see Barack Obama sitting in that chair to the left of Clint. But those of you in the television audience saw only an empty chair. Now who controls television and movie technology, such that they possess the ability to create such a sophisticated optical illusion? That’s right, liberal Hollywood, which was out to punish any member of their fraternity who would dare support the GOP. To make matters worse, Obama was constantly interrupting Clint, making it hard for the actor to form a coherent sentence and articulate his objections to the present administration. To the untrained eye, the appearance must have seemed disjointed, as if Clint was just a confused old man. My only criticism of convention organizers is that they didn’t know liberal Hollywood was capable of such a heinous act of dishonesty. I wouldn’t have made the mistake. I would have gone with the original plan: a hologram of Ronald Reagan giving a speech about how government should get out of the way. Unfortunately, that’s not my call. The guys in charge worried that the Reagan hologram would be creepy and awkward, and that it would distract from the main event of Romney’s speech. Yeah, it would be terrible if that had happened.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

Polls show that you are now tied with the Democratic challenger Patrick Murphy, despite an overwhelming advantage in fundraising and despite having moved to a new district with more Republican voters than the one you represent now. Are you really the one who should be giving advice to the national party about the need to be more conservative? That hasn’t worked very well for you.

V Maxwell
Palm Beach Gardens

Dear Ms. Maxwell,

Let me tell you about Patrick Murphy. He is a cyborg, sent from the future to knock me out of office to prevent the revolution I would lead against the erosion of American ideals. If that sounds like the Terminator movies, that’s because Hollywood has already been practicing this strategy. (It’s how they knocked off Rick Santorum in 2006.) For fuel, the cyborgs devour senior citizens’ prescription pills. For fun, they steal newspapers from the front step, because there’s nothing cyborgs like more than to do someone else’s crossword puzzle. They play golf very fast, and so they get all cranky if they have to wait while you’re looking for the ball you hit into the woods. You have probably met some cyborgs while enjoying your retirement in South Florida. Is that the kind of representation you want in Congress?

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

Allen West, Clint Eastwood, Hollywood, patrick murphy, Rick Santorum, Ronald Reagan, Terminator