Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

Do I detect a note of panic in your recent comments about the election? You told your Facebook friends that, “If America reelects Barack Obama to a second term, we deserve all the pain and misery that will ensue.” My heavens! Would you be kind enough to elaborate?

K Garza
Palm Beach Gardens

Dear Ms. Garza,

At the Inauguration ceremony, Obama will reveal his true self — a giant beast with three heads, six eyes, and six wings. With two of his goblin heads, he will take the conservative members of the Supreme Court in his frothy jaws, shredding them limb from limb, while the third head yammers about “hope” and “change.” Worst of all, this drooling demon will give Americans universal health care, cut defense spending, lower taxes for the middle class and make it really hard to buy an assault rifle. Seeing such sinful decadence, the Lord will rain down burning sulfur on our land, destroying all vegetation, leaving nothing of America but smouldering ashes. Those who have cast ballots for Obama will be transformed into gnarled thorny bushes and trees, then fed upon by Harpies while a wedding band covers the Elton John hit, “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” Others will be disemboweled, their entrails used by angels as double-dutch ropes. Conversely, a Romney-Ryan administration would make it illegal to cover an Elton John song. What vision for America do you prefer?

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I have been using the word “forward” for decades, and only now, with your help, have I learned that I’ve been trafficking an “old Soviet Union, Marxist-Socialist theme.” How should I repent? How can I go through the rest of my life without using this word?

B Cromwell
Riviera beach

Dear Ms. Cromwell,

Thank you for your confession. By way of repentence, eat five meals at Chick-fil-A in one sitting, draw a Hitler mustache on an Obama campaign poster and spit on the next person you see acting gay. This is serious business. According to Soviet legend, every utterance of the f-word causes Vladimir Lennon to stir in his tomb. To keep this secret under wraps, the Russians forbid cameras or other recording devices from the mausoleum, where Lenin’s embalmed corpse has been on display since 1924. The old commi must have been doing backflips during last week’s Democratic Convention. Eventually, he’s going to escape that coffin and lay waste to freedom lovers the world ‘round. At that point, it will be necessary for me to kill him, with my bare hands, if need be. Until then, in lieu of the f-word, say “opposite of backward” or “straight ahead” or “follow your nose.”

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com

Allen West, Barack Obama, Chick-fil-A, Dear Allen, Elton John