Our dear Rep. Allen West.

Note from the editor: In the tradition of “Congressman’s Corner,” Salty Eggs has invited Rep. Allen West to field questions from his South Florida constituents. Until we get a response to our query, we will do our best to answer questions on his behalf, based on what we know of his temperament and politics.

Dear Allen West,

As someone who worked with Afghan army and police forces as a defense contractor for the U.S., I’m curious to get your opinion about the attacks made by those very same Afghans against NATO soldiers. There have been dozens of incidents, including the one earlier this month that killed six U.S. Marine trainers. And most of these attacks aren’t even attributable to the Taliban. Rather, it appears that our soldiers arouse homicidal hatred even among Afghan security forces who they are ostensibly trying to help. The U.S. has committed to staying in Afghanistan till 2014, but these episodes make me think that we should admit the futility of this collaboration and expidite our departure. Do you think we should stay the course?

M Bailey
Wellington

Dear Ms. Bailey,

Instead of answering your ridiculous question, I would like to use this space to discuss an issue that is too hot for the so-called “mainstream media.” To my friend Newt Gingrich, I say yes; I will be your vice president! Together, we will shock the Republican National Convention by steamrolling Romney-Ryan for the nomination. Then in November we will drop the bomb on Obama. When that happens, the media will regret not attending the news conference that Newt and I held this past Saturday at the Georgia Dome. If you want to quote our soaring oratory, you’ll have to track down the dome’s custodial staff, whose applause echoed throughout the building, at least before we got to the touchy subject of immigration.

Loyal and steadfast! Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

I read an article about how it’s a tradition for members of the Black Congressional Caucus to take turns bringing lunch to the group for its weekly meetings. According to U.S. Rep. Alcee Hastings from Miramar, when it was your turn to bring lunch, you dropped off a couple bags of Chick-fil-A, then left the caucus, never to return. Was this your characteristically subtle way of telling them all to “Eat shit”?

M Sandburg
West Palm Beach

Dear Mr. Sandburg,

As I recently told a group of supporters, I was raised on Chick-fil-A, which like me traces its origins to the Greater Atlanta area. There it is the pinnacle of fine dining, so much so that we pronounce it “chic” fil-A. If I really wanted the caucus to eat shit, then I would have delivered actual human excrement to that meeting. A plain speaking legislator like me has no need for metaphors.

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Dear Allen West,

Penny for your thoughts on the remark by Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri who said that doctors told him that in cases of “legitimate rape” women don’t get pregnant, because “the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.”

A Gordan
Tamarac

Dr. Ms. Gordan,

I am deeply offended by how much attention Congressman Akin is getting for this statement, and I’d like to point out that he’s already apologized for it, saying he “misspoke.” Well, then let me elaborate on what my colleague is afraid to say: The fallopian tubes are equipped with a defense system that wards off the sperm of any man the woman deems to be an unfit father. If you’re not familiar with this biological device, that’s probably because you’re reading scientific journals, which have a liberal bias. The upshot is that if a woman is impregnated by her “rapist” it means that the rape was illegitimate, i.e. the sex was consensual, and it’s the woman’s fault for not psychologically activiting her anti-sperm defense. For this reason, when President Gingrich and I appoint an arch-conservative Supreme Court justice, triggering the reversal of Roe v. Wade, women will not be allowed to get an abortion by claiming they were raped. Please call my agent now to book me on your talk show, where I promise to make even more incendiary statements, as long as you will let Newt Gingrich talk about our presidential ticket.

Loyal and steadfast!  Lt. Col. (ret) Allen B West

Have a question for the Lt. Col.? E-mail us at DearAllen@saltyeggs.com or tweet at @DearAllenWest.

Afghanistan, Allen West, Chick-fil-A, legitimate rape, Newt Gingrich, Republican National Convention, RNC, Roe v. Wade, Taliban, Todd Akin