Here’s the deal: sore losers residents in all 50 states have filed secession petitions through the Obama administration’s “We the People” program. This program dictates that the White House will respond to any petition that manages to reach 25,000 signatures in 30 days.
Obviously this would be a ridiculous North Korea-style disaster, but Texas has already passed this threshold with flying colors: its peaceful request for withdrawal from the union has garnered over 100,000 signatures from disgruntled Texans and citizens of other states. Secession isn’t exactly a new concept in the Lone Star State: Texas teases the rest of the country with its potential departure on a semi-regular basis. This might elicit a “good riddance” response from the rest of the country (or at least everyone who finds Texas’s generally ass-backwards views on healthcare, women, education, and science appalling), but don’t be so fast to give it the boot. In addition to some nice scenery and delicious Tex-Mex cuisine, Texas will very likely become a purple (or even blue) state within the next few years. In fact, rising numbers of Latino voters – who lean heavily Democratic – as well as blue-state transplants have set Texas well on its way to becoming a swing state.
But it’s not there yet. At the moment, the Republic of Texas is still the land of guns, God, and Rick Perry. We think its new Bill of Rights would reflect that accordingly:
1. We will have real freedom of religion, for the real religion: Evangelical Christianity. A public prayer to Jesus Christ is mandatory at all public meetings, in all public schools, and all businesses open on Sundays. Also, public Christmas displays are mandatory in every city and township, and must specifically say the word “Christmas” and not “Holidays.” And the baby Jesus must be white.
2. Every citizen is required to carry at least one gun at all times. Children must be able to handle a firearm and fire it into the air on holidays before admittance to kindergarten. Everyone must stand their ground at all times, no matter what, even if other people are also standing their ground and the result is a giant Wild West-style shootout. The last person alive was right.
3. Textbooks must never contain untrue rumors such as evolution or global warming, and must always teach known facts like creationism and that God warms the children He loves the most. Critical thinking shall be discouraged. And no poetry, ever.
4. Women must be sweet and smile at all times. They are allowed to use their lady parts for baby-making purposes only, and poor women no longer require regular check ups of any sort. Legitimate rape is officially terrible, but (air quotes) “rape” allegations will be decided by the man accused and his friends … unless he’s not white.
5. No gays. (Except in Austin.)
6. Football is hereby the official pastime and attendance is required by all. The Dallas Cowboys will be the national team. (Their games will be national holidays.) Furthermore, all sports in which players don’t touch the ball with their hands (specifically soccer and tennis) are forbidden.
7. History must reflect that any person executed by the State was guilty, despite what “science” and “facts” might later indicate. All executions will be carried out “Hunger Games” style, except there are no winners.
8. Beef: it must be what’s for dinner.
9. Fracking and drilling of any kind are always safe, except when God wants to season the water or color His turtles and ducks. In addition, if at any time it is discovered that Jesus is not God, Oil officially becomes God.
10. Mexicans can stay, but only if they vote Republican.