In keeping with his humble role as America’s modern King Solomon, Donald Trump has recently offered to broker a trade on behalf of this Godly nation’s two contenders for the highest office: If President Barack Obama releases his college transcripts, says Trump, then perhaps Gov. Mitt Romney can be persuaded to release his taxes.
I lack Donald Trump’s wisdom on matters of commerce, but in a similar spirit of fairness and good fellowship I will do my very best to devise a set of political transactions that are as equitable as the one proposed by Trump and which will allow American voters to be more informed in advance of casting their ballots.
For instance, it is widely known that Obama and his staff negotiate — in a most clandestine manner — with a machine that bears the logo of one of America’s most powerful financial institutions. In the course of this negotiation, the machine is said to belch forth prodigious stacks of United States currency. The citizens of this nation deserve full disclosure as to the relationship between their president and this cash-dispensing gizmo. Herewith, I propose: If Obama releases his PIN number, then Romney will release some of his nuclear weapons.
In past remarks, Obama has unabashedly pledged his support to what he calls “a woman’s right to choose.” By which choice he means whether to protect the miraculous life of her unborn child or to slaughter it before it can be born, have its 18th birthday, and cast a vote for a Republican candidate for office. This position is so utterly irrational and unreasonable as to beg the question of whether Obama and the First Lady have been influenced by personal experience. To wit, there is virtually no proof that Michelle Obama has not had an abortion. If the Obamas release medical records that show that the couple did abort a child — whether before or after they moved into the White House — then Romney would be glad to release some of the young men and women who were captured on liberal college campuses and then placed on a deserted island where they could be hunted like exotic game by Romney, Dick Cheney and their sportsman friends.
God created man in His image, and in the beginning of time, some several thousand years ago, this man wore no clothing. It was original sin — and shame — that caused this man to cloth himself. Reasonable men are left to wonder: What shame is Barack Obama concealing based on the fact that he has been clothed for every one of his public appearances? I suggest that if Obama releases nude pictures of himself, Romney will release some of the fuel reserves located within a heavily guarded Alaskan compound for his exclusive access in the event of a Mad Max-style post-apocalyptic crisis.
It goes without saying that Obama is the most liberal person since Karl Marx, whose book Mein Kampf was said to inspire the 9/11 bombers. To taunt his political opponents, Obama signs into law bills that further his socialist agenda by using his left hand. This is not the respectable political discourse that the Founding Fathers imagined when they created this fine republic. As a show of good faith in advance of the election, I propose that Obama agree to have his left hand amputated by guillotine, live on Fox News. In exchange, Romney will release his personnel file from Bain Capital.
We are, above all, a nation that forswears all forms of moral turpitude. And yet we know precious few details about what happens when the man who is the Commander in Chief of the U.S. Military closes his bedroom door. It is incumbent upon the president to prove he shares the values of this Christian nation, which is why I propose the following: If Obama releases a sex tape, Romney will release Ann Romney’s recipe for oatmeal raisin cookies.
Among the qualities necessary in a president, empathy ranks near the very top. During war memorials and other solemn occasions, Obama claims to speak with a “heavy heart.” It may be fair to assume that he also speaks while selfishly harboring not one but two functional kidneys. This at a time when a number of registered Republicans languish near the bottom of a donor list, their lives and future voting opportunities in grave peril. If Obama releases his kidneys from the prison of his lower abdomen, Romney will release bank statements from money deposited in overseas accounts.
No matter how modest the proposals above may seem to you and I and to anyone with a common notion of fairness, we have learned that Obama is very slow to come around to requests made of him by reasonable men. It took far too long, for instance, for Obama to release his birth certificate — and still he’s only released the one from Hawaii and not the one from when he was born in Kenya.
Regrettably, it is necessary to plan for one final trade, in the event Obama rejects all of the above and yet still gains election to a second term in office based on his witch-like ability to charm the most naive members of the electorate.
I humbly propose: If Obama agrees to a recount of the November 6, 2012, ballots by an independent auditor chosen by the Romney campaign, then Romney will release Malia Obama, in the event he kidnaps her and ties her to the train tracks while twisting his mustache.