Vice President Joe Biden will visit Florida this spring to deliver the commencement address at Cypress Bay High School in Weston. In a battleground state, with President Obama’s re-election on the line, it is — to paraphrase Biden himself — kind of a big fucking deal. So mark June 4 on your calendar. Biden will be a guest of the local congresswoman, U.S. Representative (and key Democratic buck-raker) Debbie Wasserman Schultz. He will no doubt go in with prepared remarks. Only, this is a guy who, as has been amply chronicled, never met a script he couldn’t toss. And it wouldn’t be Biden if there weren’t a chance for some impromptu comedy gold.
Biden’s specialty is the gaffe that feeds speculation he’ll be dumped from the ticket any day. (“The truth is, we and everyone else misread the economy.”) But sometimes he coins a beaut. (“Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.”) Here, then, are some potential bits of unfiltered knowledge our hard-to-bleep veep might be dropping on impressionable Broward youngsters:
“I’m basically here as a favor to your congresswoman. She’s a terrific fundraiser. When Allen West said she’s no lady, I told him, ‘Are you shitting me? Her curls make me cry!’ ”
“Last week I talked to the graduating cadets at West Point. They’re outstanding young men. They’re willing to get shot for what they believe in. I frankly don’t see much of that in this crowd.”
“Look, If you’re gonna have sex in college, that’s great, but for Pete’s sake don’t count on there being contraception in your campus heath plan. My advice to you in this matter can be whittled down to two words: Wal-greens.”
“My wife Jill hates Florida. She says it’s where you go when you’ve failed everyplace else. I laughed like a girl when she said that. My wife is really goddamned funny.”
“As you know I’m a big believer in subsidized mass transit, especially Amtrak. They named a station after me in Wilmington, Delaware. Does anybody here ride the fucking train?”
“I like you kids but, honestly, you’re pretty much screwed as far as the debt you’re gonna rack up going to college. And the job market? I’m glad I’m not you. Do everything right, with absolute certainty — elite university, good grades, top of your class, all that — there’s still a 30 percent chance you’ll be living under a bridge.”