Newspaper waif Sun-Sentinel threw what’s left of it behind Mitt Romney this morning. In the aftermath, New Times Broward-Palm Beach and Miami New Times were quick to post listicles poking fun at its inconsistencies and shallowness. The poor Miami Herald endorsement got lost in the frenzy, though. (They support Obama, by the way.)
But cutting to the chase, the Sun-Sentinel piece, with all its contradictions, reads with all the pseudo-certainty we’ve come to expect from Republicans. Here’s what we got from it:
Obfuscation skillz matter. Romney’s accomplishments are so vague we can’t really name them (something about the Olympics and leaving Massachusetts in order, despite dozens of reports to the contrary), but ”during the most recent debate, he showed himself to be considered a leader capable of keeping our ship of state on a steady course.”
Sure, “Obama deserves credit for supporting the American auto industry” (a bailout Romney opposed), and “the federal stimulus – which was backed by both parties.” (Not really but we’re going to say so anyway.) This supposedly bipartisan stimulus was “largely distributed by Florida’s Republican-led legislature” (of course it was), and “helped build roads, dredge shipping channels and keep teachers employed, among other things.”
But, like, the prez keeps falling back ”on the tired talking point of increasing taxes for the wealthy.” Can we stop talking about the gulf between those who suffered most during the recession and those who benefited most from tax cuts over the past decade? People paying their fair share is just so tired y’all.
And despite all those nice things we just mentioned, Obama really lacks a “compelling vision for growth.” Instead, “we need a leader who will chart a clear course, sweat the details and get the job done right.”
Like Mitt clear-course Romney. You know, the one who spent an entire campaign lambasting withdrawal timelines, but then in that wicked awesome debate we told you about, totally got down with them. He also promises the impossible: that increasing military spending by $2 trillion while cutting everyone’s taxes by one-fifth won’t raise the debt a cent. Now that epitomizes someone who “sweats the details and wants to get the job done right.” Screw the pesky Simpson-Bowles commission and the 80 CEOs (including Goldman Sachs who is so in the tank for Obuma) who disagree. Someone else should take credit for all the president’s work over the last four years.
Obama didn’t even focus on jobs during his presidency. Instead, he “tackled the nation’s health care system, something most people agree needs fixing.” Yes, health care has everything to do with debt and jobs, and “insurance costs are taking too big a bite out of family incomes,” but we’re going to go with the disingenuous no-connection spiel anyway.
Now, we’re not sure about everything about Rombot. But we have our fingers crossed he will “exercise fiscal discipline at the Pentagon,” even if he says he won’t, because Pentagon spending is immensely important to restoring fiscal sanity. To that, we just say, God speed.
Ultimately, to “most Americans, only one thing matters — the economy.” Of course, that’s only true if we prioritize men’s needs and wants, but who cares about the other half of the population?! According to CNN, jobs rank first among men at 38 percent. What else is there? Noticing what comes first among women (it’s abortion, at 39 percent)? Boring. Those Supreme Court appointments we blithely dismiss as “social issues” that aren’t “Job One” are just gay men and women’s humanity, and women’s bodies and autonomy: stupid girl/gay stuff. Plus, who cares if, for women, jobs practically tied with healthcare at 19 and 18 percent, and if the economy placed AFTER healthcare? Let’s not squabble over the priorities of second-class citizens.