Salty Eggs was so moved by a New Times op-ed “Burritos: They’re Not for Women” that a female contributor decided to detail her love of taco. Though she must remain anonymous — for overt taco tendencies could jeopardize her work at a Catholic elementary school — she has nonetheless provided her courageous accounting.
I don’t remember where I had my first taco, and that’s the point.
Maybe it was from a food truck parked at Lilith Fair?
Maybe it was part of an ecofeminist culinary conference at one of the Seven Sisters colleges?
Anyway, I was far too busy licking the filling out of the inside of the soft, flour tortillas (or perhaps it was a crunchy corn wrap?) though I do recall the ceremony — what it was like to taste taco for the first time.
I felt so sated — like I was finally satisfying a life-long appetite for taco that I’d never before recognized.
And that initial meal went something like this: I gently pulled down the paper, sliding the waxy sheet to the side to get a fuller look at the hot, open, shell-shaped snack.
I breathed deeply, savoring the scent — taco is quite pungent, you know — and gently nibbled around the edges, catching a curly cabbage shard, or a drop of salsa here and there, before getting a mouthful of moist meat and letting the texture just tickle my tongue before swallowing.
And then I realized something: the appeal, the process, is so terribly feminine — there’s just no way that taco is for men.
Make no mistake — I’ve known many men who claim to relish taco, but I have never had the chance to talk with them. At dives and dinner joints, you can converse without distraction, sure, but nobody’s talking at taquerias — especially the ladies.
Woman has an inherent love of taco, I feel — even if she says she loves burritos, she’ll still tend toward taco even if she winds up compromising by having both in the same meal.
Men, of course, can eat and love taco — just as women should enjoy fine plaid shirts and Glenfiddich 21.
But be honest with yourself: a male who is presented with a warm, organic, open object of devotion is not going to be evolutionarily or socially pre-disposed to eating.
Females, on the other hand, will ALWAYS tend toward taco, owing to their societally-approved sapphic subconscious.
Similarly, males will always trend toward burrito to satisfy the machismo cult’s latent homoeroticism.