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If Texas Secedes, Here’s What Its Bill of Rights Might Look Like

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Here’s the deal: sore losers residents in all 50 states have filed secession petitions through the Obama administration’s “We the People” program. This program dictates that the White House will respond to any petition that manages to reach 25,000 signatures in 30 days. Obviously this would be a ridiculous North Korea-style disaster, but Texas has [...]

Rush Limbaugh, Profesh Dick, Opines on … Dicks

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Rush Limbaugh claims that dicks are shrinking worldwide — and that chicks are to blame. No, really. Raw Story, reblogging a Media Matters post, brought to our attention Rush’s recent rant against — you guessed it — liberated women. Rush — who pretty much symbolizes the GOP’s insecure white guy schtick — says that “feminazis” [...]

Democratic National Convention, Night Two: Utter Shit, and Then Bill

5:10 p.m.: Branford Marsalis, the second most famous of the Marsalis brothers, is playing the National Anthem on a soprano sax. Lovely articulation, warm timbre. After a moment, the C-SPAN sound people figure out how to give the singing crowd a little volume, so the sax rests upon a warm, soft bed of voices. Ghostly [...]

Republican National Convention: Observations From My Couch

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Tuesday afternoon: Provisions: two six-packs of Flying Dog Brewery’s “Raging Bitch” Belgian-style pale ale. Carton of cigarettes. A well-charged phone and access to GrubHub. TV on C-SPAN. Click! Some kind of huge young Republican male is talking angrily about how Obama’s screwed his generation. And now a similarly huge young Republican female is doing likewise, giving [...]

Danation: Paul Ryan Is a Deceitful, Conniving Snake

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Sure it’s an inflammatory headline, but it’s also accurate, which is more than I could say for the Republican vice presidential nominee’s speech last night. It should come as no shock that politicians of all stripes stretch the truth in their speeches. Some are quite good at lies of omission and exaggerations. (Hell, our current [...]

Rod Stewart Needs to Stop Making Fans Drown Their Sorrows in Youtube Videos and Reunite With the Faces Already

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Oh, how the mighty have fallen. There was once a time when Rod Stewart was one of the most revered voices in all of rock music, before he sold every last drop of piss and vinegar in his sad British bones for dreams of disco songs, AM radio, and most recently, jazz standards. There was [...]

Ladies, New Times Was Just Being Sarcastic When It Said It Loved Your “Back Fat Sloshing Over Your Bra Straps” (UPDATED)

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Yesterday, New Times‘ music blog County Grind published a piece so completely and utterly offensive, the headline alone caused a face-slam to the keyboard. Titled “Eight Pleasantly Plump Female Musicians We’d Like to Get Down With” — a headline which works against its own implied, ostensibly complimentary purpose by assuming “plump” (whatever that means) is problematic enough to warrant [...]

Samantha Brick Probably Taking Your Hatred Straight to the Bank

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Oh no she didn’t. That’s what went through my head and thousands of other heads after reading Samantha Brick’s April 2nd self-indulgent “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” article in the UK’s Daily Mail. I felt the fury as much as anyone, wanting to scream at her that women don’t hate her for her beauty, [...]

Crazy Florida: Five Things You Might Have Missed Last Week

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Maybe it’s the decadent cocktail of endless sunshine and pill mills, giant insects and swampland, religious crazies and wang-shaped geography that gives this southern purlieu a bazaar touch. (I like to call it Insanity Fair, though I recently found out, sadly, I’m not the first to get punny with Thackeray.) If something kooky happens in [...]