What to Expect From the Big Three Cable News Networks on Election Night

By Mike Licht via flickr.com

No, I’m not talking about the physical place in which you should watch the deal go down. We’ve already got a pretty good post on that, at least for our Miami readers. I’m talking about what station to watch once you get there. Here are the basics:

MSNBC

Audience: Liberals, moderates, conservatives who enjoy yelling, Whole Foods shoppers

Lineup: If it’s like other recent nights of political consequence, you’ll see a panel of brilliant liberal Rachel Maddow, lunch-pail liberal Ed Schultz, party-line Democrats-can-do-no-wrong liberal Al Sharpton, maybe another liberal or three, and token conservative Steve Schmidt. Also, Chris Matthews and Larry O’Donnell will be out in the field, reporting from campaign headquarters and whatnot. Oh, and Chuck Todd’s goatee.

Expect to hear: Maddow make some incredibly esoteric point that you had not considered before, Schmidt sound weirdly reasonable for a conservative, and Sharpton hammer conservatives even when they’re right. After all, even on MSNBC, the entire panel agreed Romney won the first debate … except Sharpton.

CNN

John King and his wife. Photo by larskflem via flickr.com.

Audience: Old people

Lineup: You know them, they’ve all been around for years — Wolf Blitzer, Candy Crowley, Erin Burnett … a lot of big guns. John King will also be there with his latest squeeze, the touchscreen electoral map.

Expect to hear: It’s not what you hear so much as what you see, as Blitzer and crew will be inundated with a massive array of bizarre, high-end graphics, from hologram people to CGI polling results flashing by, possibly in 3-D.

FOX News

Audience: Conservatives, white guys, millionaires, liberals who enjoy yelling/seeing conservatives cry

Lineup: The studio’s election coverage area will include a desk with toothpaste commercial rejects Megyn Kelly and Bret Baier, and probably a separate panel with the Hill’s stoic moderate A.B. Stoddard, crypt-keeper Charles Krauthammer, that other goateed guy Steve Hayes, doughy Sith Lord Karl Rove, and Sarah Palin to decry the President’s energy policy.

Expect to hear: “This long national nightmare will be over,” heard early in the night and referring to Obama’s presidency. “Obamacare is a socialist horror, that’s why it’s so unpopular.” “Death panels.” After Obama victory: “Voter fraud, voter fraud!” ”Lamestream media.” “Look at ALL THAT RED. Real America.” “Christie the traitor!” “People were scared of being called a racist by voting against Obama.” “Romney was too moderate.” “Nation of entitlements.”

–By Dan Sweeney and Erica K. Landau